Here, swilled In my bottle
I sit, pouring smoke down my throat
Rimmed deep in the seat
You left me in,
My genie chapped lips
And yellow toothed grin
Are good company these days
But the world still rattles
When
You
Sway
Back into view
Your face fresher, floating
In a blue dress that I should have bought you
Careless on the cobbles,
Hair untied, trailing bubbles
Of a million forgotten troubles
That weave across the breeze
Behind you.
Slugged hard. I feel my weight shift
And I’ll wrestle later with the shards of my character
While I pick them off the floor
But in these brief seconds as I fall
I snatch that image of you,
Bottle it, a private Shiraz
To sip through the dark times
Within a world of of shattered glass.
Comments
Sal. | October 14, 2009 - 16:16
Really emotive, really enjoyed it:)
gristo | October 15, 2009 - 07:16
Thanks Sal. I've got a few bits in here that I like, but generally I'm not too fond of this piece. I don't know where it all came from - I'm actually really positive about life and love and I'm in a relationship as well. I got interested in doing a kind of character piece and it kind of ran away with me. what I really don't like is the ending - I'll probably tweak thwe last three lines a bit over the next few days. thanks for the feedback! :)
RachelPatricia | April 2, 2010 - 23:45
I really like this too, gristo.
I don't think you should tweak those lines at all I think they're perfect; I found the whole of it utterfly brilliant, to be honest I can't believe you dont like it that much! :)
I could go into minute detail with this one, there are so many images in it that I like and I don't know if it's because it's late but I got the drunk-vibe you were going for!
'But in these brief seconds as I fall
I snatch that image of you,
Bottle it, a private Shiraz
To sip through the dark times
Within a world of of shattered glass.'
I, personally, think this is beautiful. You definitely got into character for this one, a well deserved cherry :)