I dream of Ties

I wish I had a handsome tie that was suave, silk and slick,
One with flair, that’s debonair and would enchant with just one flick,
Yeah, I’d like that… A tie that’s hypnotizing,
I’d be very restrained and avoid womanising,
But all the lady teachers would still say “Mr Grist your tie’s so charming!”
As I coast into their classrooms with it striking and disarming.
At parents evenings my brand new tie’s charm would suffice,
In getting Mums to whisper as they leave “Your English teacher seems nice!”

Or maybe an evil looking tie - one that’s the business,
Where students will go “Watch out! Mr Grist is on the prowl with that evil tie.”
The one that cornered Josh and then ripped out his eye.
Yeah no-one dares to whisper, no-one ever sniggers,
Or my tie would rear up and you’d wet your knickers.
Maybe one girl just hasn’t heard the warning,
Cos she overslept and turned up late to school that morning,
And so I’d catch her in my lesson yawning…Oh dear.
I’d try to calm it down, but this tie’s got bad ideas.
It’d sized the girl up and then just as she fears,
Dive in like a serpent snapping at her ears.
There’s a gasp, some blood and lots and lots of tears,
And she wouldn’t be able to yawn again for years

Or maybe…a popular tie -One that everyone agrees is mighty fine
People travel from miles around to gawp at the design
I’d like that…A tie that pushes the boundaries of tieware right up to the limit
It’d make emos wipe their tears away while the chavs say “it’s wicked innit?”
Footy lads would stop me with “I’d wear that if I ever won the cup.”
And I’d walk through Peterborough to cheers, high fives and thumbs up
While monosyllabic teenagers would just stand there going “yup.”

But…Thinking about it…If I’m honest I’d never know which of the three to try
In any decision between them it would always end a tie.