Britain's Sports Personality of the Year

It was announced earlier today that the celebrity philosopher, Pensive Dropgoal, is to be the new Professor of Hot Beverage Studies at the University of Evesham. Of course, these days philosophy is a glamorous and highly paid profession. Devoted crowds of fans turn out in their hundreds of thousands, filling stadiums throughout the world, to watch their favourite philosophy teams take on each other in live debate.

His last-minute free riposte against the Paris Existentialists in last year’s European Philosophy Cup final shot Dropgoal to worldwide fame. A three-hundred-word long sentence with a twist in the final sub-clause that left the French goalkeeper stranded on his argument line. It was enough to clinch the cup for the Oxford team and their controversial manager, Bertie Wittgenstein.

Of course, though, Dropgoal’s appointment has not been without controversy, especially for his oft-reported opposition to what he calls Hot Milky Drinks. These are those beverages sold in modern coffee bars that Dropgoal contends ‘are not really coffee at all’. This controversial position has brought him into dispute with several of the philosophers employed by the leading coffee bar chains. Some of whom call into question Dropgoal’s very definition of what is or isn’t coffee.

However, such tactical subtlety and widespread controversy has done little to damage Dropgoal’s lucrative sponsorship deals. Calvin’s Klein underwear, of course, is world famous for its adverts featuring him. Each advert shows Dropgoal, wearing only a pair of their underpants and a smile, about to step out into a packed philosophy stadium to engage in some Exhibition Mass Debating.

With his glamorous wife, Jenny ‘Posh positivist’ Ayers on his arm, Dropgoal is more or less a fixture at celebrity events these days. Although, there are some articles on the tabloid back pages by seasoned philosophy match reporters saying that the sponsorships, late-night parties and other elements of the celebrity lifestyle are a detriment to Dropgoal’s form on the philosophy pitch. Especially so with him missing several open goals and a few straightforward arguments in his last few philosophy matches of the season. However, though, it looks like the management of the Oxford Epicureans, including Bertie Wittgenstein himself, will forgive Dropgoal his glamorous celebrity lifestyle as long as he keeps on putting the arguments in the back of the opposition’s net. Which, despite a slight drop in form at the end of last season, it looks like he can do – barring any career-ending injury – for many years to come.