Yesterday, Trite ‘Halfpenny’ Hatchback, the former Keeper of the Queen’s Weasels was found guilty of ‘keeping an unlicensed and un-lubricated weasel with intent to cause severe embarrassment and undue soreness to a member of the Queen’s household’. He was later sentenced to 'Death by Chat Show'.
Hatchback was caught in possession of the unlicensed, un-lubricated weasel in a dawn raid by Scotland Yard’s crack anti-weasel squad on his cottage near the Balmoral royal estate in early April last year, just as he was attaching the weasel to the sporran on a - yet unnamed - Royal’s kilt. Causing undue soreness to a member of royalty is the only crime on the Scottish statute books still punishable by death. Even though the death penalty for this offence was repealed in England and Wales in 1972, an administrative oversight meant that it remains a capital crime north of the border.
'Death by Chat Show' is a form of punishment where the convicted felon is forced to watch guest after guest on Chat Show after Chat Show for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They are forced to continue watching until they can no longer cope with the thought of sitting through yet another ‘amusing’ anecdote concocted in a thinly-veiled attempt to flog yet more product to the half-mashed couch potatoes still seemingly enthralled by this form of schedule-filling pap. They are then strangled to death by the tattered remnants of their own brain when it seeps out through the ears and down the neck in a doomed attempt to escape the horror of yet more inane wibble.
However, 'Death by Chat Show' has been condemned as ‘cruel and barbaric’ by Amnesty International, as well as other interfering busybody organisations staffed by people with far too much time on their hands and a hopelessly naïve view of humankind.
A Government spokesman stated that:
'The British Government is committed to keeping the Chat Show as a deterrent against rogue states, unfriendly governments, the French and, of course, terrorists. It is an essential weapon for the defence of this country and we have no plans to disarm unilaterally, unless the Americans tell us to, of course.
'However, we are committed to the ‘No First Use Chat Show' Treaty, where we declare that we will not deploy our Chat Shows against another country unless that country attempts to inflict its Chat Shows on us first.'