The Lesser Great Spotted Night Hens

At the turn of the 20th Century there were less than seventeen Lesser Great Spotted Night Hens left in the whole of the UK. Nowadays great flocks of Night Hens plague our late night town centres, causing massive damage to these fragile ecosystems, and severe damage to the shy retiring late-night kebab shop owners and curry emporia staff, who make their nests in these urban sanctuaries.

Many urban naturalists are puzzled as to why there are so many of these Night Hen flocks in our city centres during the hours of darkness. Some believe they are – like moths – attracted to the bright lights. Or, maybe, they are like urban foxes to the easy pickings set out for them by the owners of bars and clubs who try to attract as many of the flocks of Night Hens to their businesses by way of special promotions, believing the old folk tale that attracting a flocks of Night Hens brings with it profitable business.

The bright, sometimes garish plumage that covers so little of the body of the Night Hens giving them the appearance of being already semi-plucked (and by the end of the night many of them hope to have had a damn good plucking). This makes other experts believe the Night Hens are mimicking the Night Stags who also herd into city centres at night for rutting rituals over who can fight the best or produce the most copious amounts of vomit.

However, contrary to this theory, is the strange end of the night where both the Night Stags and the Night Hens go into sudden immediate hibernation often where they were just standing moments before without going through any of the usual mating rituals.

These mating rituals usually involve the Hens dancing around their handbags whilst the Stags cower near the bar until they become incoherent enough to engage in the ‘Chatting Up’ ritual until they discover a hen prepared to put up with them. This mating ritual continues until the process gets as close to consummation as both partners can manage, depending on the amount of alcohol they’ve each consumed that evening.