The man with the Golden Cheese Baguette

“Tremble, my little stock control assistant, tremble! For one day, and it could be as early as a week next Thursday, if the parts arrive on time, I will be ruler of the world.” Dr Affirmative-Negation laughed manically as he stroked his pet stock control assistant as she lay purring in his arms.

“My plans for control of the entire stock of the world’s cheese and pickle sandwiches are coming to fruition. Soon there won’t be a lunch-box, delicatessen or corner sandwich shop that will be immune to the power of my sandwiches… then… then… I will take over the pasties, and then the… the… CREAM CAKES of the world will be mine!”

The stock control assistant yelped and squirmed in his powerful grip as he squeezed, overcome by the power of his vision. Ever since his early days as an assistant butter-substitute spreader, class 2, in a tacky High Street sandwich shop chain, Dr Affirmative-Negation had dreamt, planned and schemed for this moment, and nothing... nothing could stop him now.

“Hold it right there!”

At the sound of that familiar hated voice, Dr Affirmative-Negation spun around in his chair. “You!”

“Yes, me… surprised to see me?”

“Bu… but… I left you drowning I a vat of low-fat mayonnaise, Agent 003.142. Howe… how did… how…?”

“How did I escape?” Jack Bloke adjusted his bow tie and wiped imaginary dust from the sleeve of his crisp white dinner jacket. “Well… shall we say certain stock control systems were not fully in place, were they my dear?” Bloke winked at the stock control assistant who had now writhed free of the grasp of Dr Affirmative-Negation and crept slowly towards the British secret agent.

“You… you traitor!” the doctor snarled at the stock control assistant. “To think I let you taste my sweet pickle… for this you will die!”

Seconds later he pulled the golden cheese baguette out from its holster. The stock control assistant stopped halfway towards Agent Bloke as he held out his hand towards her.

“Run! Run!” Agent Bloke yelled at her, but it was too late. The golden baguette was a blur in the air as it sped unerringly towards her, knocking her off the runway and into the pit of slavering hungry clerical assistants that writhed below, all eager… too eager for some sort of lunch.

Agent Bloke had to look away as the massed office workers crept towards the stunned stock control assistant, their condiments and sauces clutched in their hands. As one of the clerks began to sprinkle salad oil on her thigh, Bloke realised there was nothing he could do for her. Never again would he lick crushed salt and vinegar crisps from her navel in a luxury tropical hotel room.

He turned angrily to face Dr Affirmative-Negation.
“You bastard!” Jack Bloke said, for once let down by the writers of his quips.

“Ah, so… the loss of a mere stock control assistant, makes in oh-so-cool, agent Bloke lose his famous wit?” the mad doctor sneered as he crept sideways, looking for an opening where he could use his deadly golden baguette with fatal effect against the British secret agent.

Suddenly, Bloke ducked and the golden baguette clanked uselessly off the fridge Bloke had ducked behind. Then, carefully, he crawled over to a cupboard and drew his gun, checking it was loaded.

“A gun… a mere gun against the deadliest golden cheese baguette in the world. Bloke you are a fool! A fool!” the mad doctor hastily reloaded the baguette with some new cheese. “Listen, Agent Bloke, I’m reloading my baguette with Gorgonzola, probably the most deadliest cheese in the world. Surrender now and I promise you a quick death, otherwise it will be the Gorgonzola for you!”

“You can’t scare me, professor!” Bloke yelled, and took aim, but the professor ducked. However, one bullet exploded the end of his baguette, shredded lettuce flew everywhere. The professor screamed as though he himself had been shot. “You bastard, Bloke. Now you will pay for that!” He reached for the radishes, trembling in fury as he loaded each slice of radish into the already heavily over-saladed remnants of the baguette.

Bloke saw what the madman was doing and tried to shout out a warning, but he realised it was too late and dived for cover just as the over-loaded baguette exploded into a mass of deadly Gorgonzola shrapnel, shredded salad and chunks of baguette… the poor mad fool had no chance. Bloke cowered even lower behind the fridge that rattled and shook as the deadly baguette fragments rained down on it and Dr Affirmative-Negation’s final scream faded into silence.

Jack Bloke got to his feet and stumbled dazedly towards Dr Affirmative-Negation's giant mayonnaise gun that he had used to threaten all the world's governments. Sighing, Bloke unplugged the machine, realising just how much he would miss the stock control assistant and that thing she did with the salt and vinegar crisps.

“Could you, y'know, give me a hand here?”

The familiar voice from behind him made Jack Bloke spin around. The stock control assistant was climbing out of the pit from the back of an eager to help clerical assistant. She reached out her hand towards bloke.

“I... how...?” Bloke stuttered, yet again at a loss for a smart-arsed quip.

“I always carry a packet of salt and vinegar crisps for just such an eventuality.” She grinned and licked her lips “As you well know.” The stock control assistant sighed as Bloke pulled her into his embrace. “You know how much clerical assistants love crisps, especially half-starved ones that are behind on their filing.”

Bloke nodded and then their lips met.

“I don't suppose you've got a ham sandwich or something,” she said as the kiss ended. “I'm famished.”

“No,” Bloke said. “But I know where I could get you a cheese salad baguette.”