A Revolution In Competitive Cycling

Velodrome Creamcheese is probably the UK’s leading long-distance cyclist. Many sports commentators and travel journalists put this down to her innovative use of the Cheap Day-Return Rail ticket in her races. Many sports experts also say that it is the use of such tactics, up to and including the short haul domestic flights she used last year, that enabled her to win the Trans-USA cycle race. All of which has allowed Creamcheese to stay at the top of competitive cycling while at the same time eschewing the use of illegal drugs.

Of course, the tactic has been used to great effect before. After all, it was the use of the Aston Martin DB4 by Disraeli Sturmey-Archer, which enabled him to win the last seven Tour De France in a row. Although, there have been calls for stricter drug-monitoring of contestants in that race when traces of digestive biscuit crumbs were found in the footwell of the Aston Martin, after the tricky hill-climb stage.

However, some cycling commentators and traditionalists claim that this adoption of modern technology into cycling races has somehow diluted the sport. However, the modernisers point to the fact that cycle races are… well, a bit boring. After all, when you have seen one herd of multicoloured lycra-clad madmen peddling furiously past a beauty spot, then you have seen them all.

As Creamcheese herself said, in one post-race interview, ‘Why should I bother with all that pointless bloody pedalling? After all, this is the 21^st Century for god’s sake.’ She went on to point out that the motorcycle outriders and camera crews in cars are able to easily keep up with any cycling race. Even on the most gruelling stages, the motorbike riders and car drivers expended so little effort. It was this insight that led to Creamcheese changing her tactics.

A change which has bought her all her recent successes. ‘I thought, on the last bit of a steep hill climb just outside Walsall; bugger this for a game of soldiers. I was just thinking about retiring, going into commenting or grooming product advertising when I saw the local railway station. It was like a message from god. So I just parked my bike and brought a ticket to the station closest to the finish line. I was there 3 hours before the rest of the mugs busting a gut to pedal faster than one another. Now I think about it, it is so bloody obvious.’