‘Well, shuffle my lupins and call me Tarquin, never in all my life have I seen a woman who could wield a dibber like the young Azalea Flowerbed!’ Such were the words of veteran TV gardening programme presenter Stan Expansiveswamp, when Flowerbed was first introduced to the TV screens of a jaded nation. Of course, when she arrived on the scene, naked TV gardening was becoming a bit old hat, especially for Stan Expansiveswamp himself, who frequented our early evening TV sets going about his mulching in nothing but a pair of wellies and an old hat.
Although, Azalea Flowerbed has the kind of body that makes many a man have to go for a long contemplative sit-down in his potting shed, it is not just her body that makes Azalea so popular with the viewing public. For, not only does she know the difference between which ones are weeds and which ones are flowers, she can explain the difference to her loyal viewers in a way even they can understand.
In addition, when she bent over to thin out her seedlings in the third programme of her first series there was a significant rise in the number of heart attacks recoded amongst the viewers of that particular programme. As for the occasion when she ‘accidentally’ slipped and fell into the mud at the end of her vegetable patch, several accident and emergency wards in the nation’s hospitals had to close their doors to new admissions. For such were the number of TV viewers reporting to them with severally strained wrists and badly pulled muscles in the arm and/or groin area, they simply could not cope.
Consequently, all the Accident and Emergency wards in every hospital in the UK have cancelled all staff leave and cleared their decks in readiness on the proposed transmission date for the forthcoming episode in Azalea Flowerbed’s new series of 'Naked Gardening with Azalea Flowerbed', where she has promised to explore, in depth, the full implications of ‘Forced Rhubarb’.
[The First 'Tales of the Unexpurgated' book is available here for the Kindle.]