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The silent moon

Posted by hellbent-savage on July 2, 2009 - 20:37

Me, my thoughts and the surrounding moonlight,
As I pass upon a silent moor, break free but night
That looks singularly tranquil despite the longing within
Seems to wait for the dawn, always is, yet serene.
The shredded cumulus tries to mist but the silver shine
Exudes and the enchanter with it in fit of dark wine.
Stranded wind fondles the night which dreams
Of the Red that was, and that will follow, and teems
The thoughts of whites and violets along the gliding
Brook, spry and jolly, and cherishes bream which lay hiding.
I reminisce the dark, lovely woods I crossed by,
Still those floral hues and tinges linger in the sky;
And such too is the profound cheerful strain
Of the birds, and joyous notes of clear rills which valleys ken.
Those fair roses and daffodils, lively and bright, will never
Fade, nor will the lush green Trees old, and young, ever
Pass into Nothingness like some sweet Mid-summer’s daydreams;
And unforgettable too are those sparkling rivulets and streams.
Moonlight splinters, I persevere like the young Endymion
Who longed for Cynthia, and silence, wind’s clarion,
Steals stillness from hoary face whose turbulent tides
Are seen on far fidgety Mediterranean strides.

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Comments

Ewan | July 3, 2009 - 09:06

From a personal point of view, although I accept that you say that it is inspired by Keats, this poem is a little too self-consciously poetry for my taste.

Your rhyme scheme is - for the most part - diligently followed and quite pleasing in places: however, you skip out of it with 'within'/'serene' and 'strain'/'ken'. In addition, 'Endymion' and 'wind's clarion' seems a little forced.

Your punctuation is a little erratic. Look at this, since it's Keats.

A THING of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.

That is one sentence, long I admit, but perfectly punctuated.

Now look at your first four lines:

Me, my thoughts and the surrounding moonlight,
As I pass upon a silent moor, break free but night
That looks singularly tranquil despite the longing within
Seems to wait for the dawn, always is, yet serene.

the first two lines, with that parenthetic comma clause, are just about ok. If you rewrite these four lines as a prose text it won't make sense: not something we can say about the extract from Endymion.

You might say that it's poetry, it doesn't matter. However true that might be for free verse, that isn't what you are writing, is it?

You cannot 'reminisce' something; the verb does not take a direct object, usually you reminisce about something.

What do these lines mean?

The shredded cumulus tries to mist but the silver shine
Exudes and the enchanter with it in fit of dark wine.

is the enchanter exuding or misting? What is a fit of dark wine?

Do you write poetry in the modern vernacular too? I'd be interested to see some of that.

Keep on writing
regards
Ewan

hellbent-savage | July 3, 2009 - 09:16

Hey, thanks for such an elaborate and very positively done review. I must admit punctuation is erratic at a lot of places. I'll rework it and post the poem again.

Regards,
hellbent-savage

Ewan | July 3, 2009 - 09:21

No problem. I'll look forward to reading it.

whiskey | July 4, 2009 - 16:13

I'm a big reader of poetry - contemporary and traditional - and I'm pretty sure that re-punctuating alone won't help me (or anyone) make much sense of it. Just like prose, poetry has to follow some other rules of grammar, and the lack of them is what's making this impossible to follow. Unless I'm missing something!

Good luck with the rewrite.