ABC For Kids

A is for aunts – like Steph. They are kind, and they do stuff like stepping in. That’s how Steph puts it when things aren’t going too well with Mum; “You want me to step in a for a bit?” and she smiles and Mum says, “Oh Steph could you? Just until…” and then she tells me to be good, and to watch out for Joe, and then she ruffles my hair and goes off. I’m not sure where

B is for because, only it doesn’t get said so much now just because I’ve stopped asking Dave about things – it’s the only answer he ever gave me so there didn’t seem much point

C is for cussing and although Mum says it’s wrong and I mustn’t; sometimes when she’s had a long day, taking Joe on the bus to his hospital appointments, and maybe she’s phoned Dave because the money hasn’t turned up again, I can hear her in her bed saying `fuck’ over and over, then the sobs come, quiet ones, and I have to pretend I can’t hear

D is for dad, although he doesn’t like me to call him it. He says his name’s Dave and he never planned on being a dad – it was a cheat and it was all Mum’s fault – she broke the agreement. Sometimes I see him, but not much – hardly ever lately. I wish he could get away more often but it’s difficult he says, sometimes we wait for ages – me and Joe – we’ve got our coats on and everything, and he still doesn’t come. He’s meant to text when he can’t make it, but that doesn’t always happen. When I ask Mum why she says she doesn’t know

E is for ever and Mum says it won’t be like this for that long, just until things get better

F is for Farah – my best friend. The best days are the ones where I go round hers after school for tea. They eat at the table and everything – like on TV, and there’s always a great crowd of them, all talking and laughing. Her mum is very very kind. She always gives me extra beans because I’m always hungry, and she stands behind me with her arms folded, watching and smiling while I eat. After tea, me and Farah go out to play and she tells us to make sure we’re back by seven and makes us promise cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-die. I love my Mum but I wish we had a house like Farah and I wish she could smile more, like Farah’s mum

G is for Gran but we don’t see her because she’s a bitch. I remember she came once, when I was quite little, and Joe was just a baby really, and she said bad things to Mum, and mum got angry and then they both started shouting and I went into a corner and put my fingers in my ears because it was quite scary. That was the time Mum went off for the longest. Sometimes I wasn’t sure she was ever going to come back

H is for housing because it’s what we need, but it doesn’t matter how many times we go to the offices, or how long we wait there, we never seem to get any, and then we have to go back to the hostel accommodation

I is for interclass – when we used to play games against the other classes in my old school. It was my best thing because I’m quite good at sport, but when we had to move to the hostel it was too far to go so we had to switch schools and this one doesn’t have any playing fields.

J is for jam because it’s my favourite thing to have on bread. We can’t cook here so we eat a lot of bread and mum always lets me have jam so I quite like it, even though I wish we could have proper teas like Farah’s family do. I don’t say that to Mum because she’s sad almost all the time right now

K is for kind. It’s what I have to be for Joe, even when he’s horrible, because it’s not his fault –it’s how you are with autism and you don’t even know you’re doing it

L is for love, and Mum says it a lot- each morning when she drops me at the school entrance she says she loves me, and I love her back of course, but when she says she loves me – like that - it makes me remember …. and I don’t want to because what would we have done if ….. That was the last thing she said to me then ….. and it always makes me remember…when she wasn’t there after school, when it was Steph instead, and I knew something was wrong, I knew before Steph said anything

M is for music. Mum says music is what gets her through. On a good day – or even a bad one – we put the radio on – loud – and she grabs hold of my hands and we dance – sometimes we’re laughing so much even Joe joins in. He doesn’t laugh of course, he never laughs, but he looks at us in that way

N is for nearly. Lots of things are nearly. Mum’s nearly better. We nearly got the bus. Joe’s nearly talking. I don’t think that last one’s true really, because often even we can’t make out what he’s trying to say. At the clinic they say he needs more specialist attention, more individual work, and then they give mum this look, like she should be doing more, but she can’t help it if she’s tired all the time –she says it’s part of her illness

O is for out of here which is what Mum says is the first thing we’ll do if we win on the lottery, and you never know do you, which is why we buy a ticket every Saturday. Sometimes I shut my eyes and imagine what it would be like

P is for pushers. Mum says it’s the area and what else can you expect. You find all sorts on the scrubby bit of grass by the hostel in the mornings. I had to promise her I wouldn’t ever pick stuff off the ground

Q is for quiet, which it never is here really. Too many people mum says. Not their fault. The asylum seekers are even worse off than us too – they don’t get benefits, just vouchers, and I think that might be what makes them shout so much. Sometimes they break bottles late at night and it wakes Joe.

R is for respite care, and we’ve been on the waiting list for such a long time, but there aren’t enough places. When we get some I’m going to go swimming –that’s the thing I want to do most, only we can’t with Joe, it’s too much hassle.

S is for surviving, because we are.

T is for Tanisha. I hate her, and it doesn’t matter how many times they make her apologise, because she starts again as soon as they aren’t looking. It’s only words, but they still make me cry. It’s not our fault we can’t have clean clothes every day. It doesn’t make us bad people. I know that. It still makes me cry though. I can’t tell mum about it … or the other stuff either. She’s got enough to worry about.

U is for under and we aren’t going to go there, no way.

V is for violence – domestic, you know? And that’s why we’re here, because of him - Pete, and why we had to leave all the stuff and go quickly like we did, and why we can never go back not even for a visit

W is for wish because I have so many and one day they’ll come true, I know they will

X is for ex because he’s a bastard, and it’s ok to say that about him since he is one

Y is for yes, which is what I say to Mum when she asks me if I’m ok. Always. Even when I’m not.

Z is for zoo because one day I’d like to go there. Maybe when things are looking up.