afterwards

After Stephen’s phone call I didn’t know what to do. For as long as I could remember the person I’d run to when things went wrong was Joel and now, suddenly, he didn’t exist anymore. I couldn’t get my head around that at all. I had no other resources – the only other person who might have understood was T. and he was so far away. Anyway I hated him, the bastard – he could stay in America for all I cared – the longer the better.

For the first few days I was in a kind of daze. I didn’t cry much; I was too angry. I got out of bed – there was no point trying to rest and get better if Joel wasn’t there to share it with. I couldn’t see a point in anything. I tried to imagine the years stretching off into the future without Joel in them and I just couldn’t. I felt completely lost.

I got dressed and I went out and walked – not anywhere in particular – I just walked – all over London – through the City, along the Thames, past the Abbey, across St. James’ Park. I didn’t care where I went – there was something I needed in the dull, numbing monotony of pounding the pavements. I must have walked for miles and miles that first week – in the hope, I think, that the numb feeling would reach my brain too, but it never did, of course.

However much I tired myself out physically, it didn’t stop the constant panic and anger I felt inside – what would I do? How could I possibly go for the rest of my life without seeing him? How would I manage? How dared he leave me in the lurch like that, when I needed him? He’d promised – he’d absolutely promised me that he’d always be there. It didn’t matter how much I shook my fist though – nothing could change – nothing would ever change from then on. I would always be lonely and I could never have him back again.

Stephen had said to call Marnie, but I knew I couldn’t tell her what I was really thinking, and I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t phone in the end, and I felt awful about it. She left soon afterwards – escaped to America – all on tick of course, she never had any money.

There was an inquest because it was so sudden, and after that, an announcement was put in all the broadsheets. It mentioned giving money to research for something called Marfan’s Syndrome, which I didn’t really understand, and then it said that there would be a memorial service in May.

Everyone tried so hard to be kind – they really did, and I tried in return to be grateful, but I don’t think I was a very satisfying person to help. Camilla took me to a fashion show to cheer me up. We sat on the little gilded chairs and watched models going up and down a catwalk. I sipped the champagne, and crossed my legs, and clapped politely as each one came out but I didn’t understand how everyone could be so normal – didn’t they realise that Joel had just died?

Another girl I’d been at school with phoned to say her parents held séances – talking to the dead through the ghost of William Blake – and that Joel wanted me to know he was ok – it had hardly hurt him at all. I’d met her mum and dad and they were so deeply normal. It was very surreal – but no stranger than anything else that happened then – everything felt weird like that – I didn’t understand any of it.

Poor Stephen – he stayed in London and fielded the letters and phone calls while Marnie was away. He also had a small stream of people, like me, coming through his door. It must have been so hard for him – he was only a few years older than us – he had no idea how to cope with a situation like that either.

At Stephen’s I found Ben, who’d come up from Suffolk when he’d heard. Marnie had made a little room for him out of the big walk-in wardrobe in her bedroom – there was just enough space for a double mattress and a television set. I hadn’t seen him for years – he looked much better – he’d grown up, and filled out, and he had stopped doing smack. We kind of fell into each other’s arms, and went back to Marnie’s for two weeks or so. I think Stephen was probably quite glad to get us out of his hair – we had just been sitting on his sofa looking miserable.

Ben and I had a pile of dope, cigarettes, rizlas, and some alcohol. We must have had some food sometime because we were there for a while, but I can’t remember eating anything . We didn’t talk about Joel – there wasn’t much to say really. We were both angry, confused and lost, but talking didn’t really help.

Instead of that we got wrecked and stayed that way until we left, just before Marnie came home. We had a lot of sex, and in between we watched a test match on the TV and Ben explained the rules of cricket to me. I think it was our way of blotting out the anger, and it made us both feel a little better somehow.

The memorial service was at St. Paul’s, Covent Garden – the actors’ church. I remember walking up the little path with Camilla. It was like arriving at a very strange party. There were crowds and crowds of friends there – everyone I’d known for the past six years. We’d been asked not to wear sad clothes and I think almost all the girls wore white; most of them were crying before they reached the church door.

I saw a small boy called Che who’d followed Joel round the island the previous summer like a shadow. He’d come on rollerskates, with silver angel wings fixed on his back, and he wove in and out of the little groups, looking miserable.Standing slightly apart from the others, I could see Marnie and David’s friends in more sombre colours - all the people from the pubs in Soho – artists, filmmakers, playwrights, actors, journalists, musicians.

We stood outside in the hot sunshine for a while, listening to the cameras clicking away – I think they were taking pictures of all the famous people who came. Everyone my age looked nervous and awkward – we were all so young, most of us had never been to a funeral before - we weren’t sure what to do. I don’t think any of us really wanted to go inside, but finally we trooped through the big doors after Marnie.

It was dark and cool in the church after the bright, noisy bustle outside. The only sounds at first, were those of girls crying softly. I wasn’t one of them, I was angry. When the speeches started, I clenched my fists together and sat there scowling – who the fuck did all these dreary people think they were? They hadn’t known Joel at all. A girl in a black beret with a guitar sang “Yesterday” and the others cried harder. I just wanted to go and punch her to make her stop. I was sitting in the middle of all my friends but I have never felt so lonely. All I needed was Joel and T and they had both left me.

Afterwards we all went on to a bar in Soho and I finally spoke to Marnie. She hugged me, and I told her how sorry I was. She said they’d bought a house just around the corner from the Dog and Duck and there would be a room there for all Joel’s friends whenever they needed it. Then I went off in a taxi with my friends and got very drunk.