The end of the world. Part 1

The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes, was that my head felt as if someone had bashed it against a wall. Then I noticed the horrible sour taste of cheap wine in my mouth and I realised I might be going to be sick. My arms and legs felt stiff and sore, I was far too hot and I appeared to have gone to bed fully clothed, which seemed rather odd.

I could see where I was – in Joel’s room. That was normal. I spent most weekends there. I looked over to the other bed, and on the floor, for Joel and T., but no one else was there which was strange.

All at once, the I’m going to be sick feeling turned into an oh my god one as I remembered what had happened. Then I didn’t feel hot anymore. Suddenly I felt icy cold and I shivered. The whole day came flooding back – every last humiliating minute of it. I was a total failure. I’d made a complete fool of myself. My life was ruined. Nothing would ever be ok again. I had fucked up so badly I would never be able to wriggle out of it. It might be summer outside, but in my heart it was cold dark winter and it would stay like that for as long as I lived. Everything was ruined. I’d failed my A levels.

I couldn’t think of a reason to get out of bed, once I’d remembered all that, so I lay there, going over and over in my head just how awful it had been. I didn’t even cry – it was too horrible for tears. Anyway, I’d done a lot of that when I’d arrived, against Joel’s t-shirt as he tried to comfort me.

I winced when I thought back to how it had been going into college to pick up my results. I’d even looked scornfully at the other girls as they’d arrived all giggling and semi-hysterical with nerves. I’d just felt slightly impatient, wanting to get it over with and get on with the rest of the day. It didn’t once occur to me that I’d fail. I never failed anything. Ok I hadn’t actually worked, but then I never had in my life. I wasn’t a revision kind of person. I was more of a go out enjoy yourself and wing it kind of person, and it had always got me through so far – what could possibly go wrong?

I shut my eyes again at that point, half-wishing I would open them again and find it had all been a nightmare or something, Obviously there was no fucking chance of that. What on earth was I going to do now? I wouldn’t think of that for the moment, I was too miserable; perhaps later on.

I could see that horrible man’s face looking at me as he handed me the brown envelope. Mr Steele. “Call me Bob” he said to everyone, but no one did. We all just laughed at his pathetic moustache and sports car. Of all the people I would have wanted to be so humiliated in front of, he was absolutely at the bottom of the list. God I could remember every second – as I opened the flap and pulled out the thin white sheet, saw those grey letters printed on it. Fail fail fail. Not even the two Es I’d been asked for

I put my hands over my face and started crying again then – great huge hot tears sliding down my face, it felt as if they were burning grooves in my cheeks. I didn’t remember actually leaving. I had half a memory of someone saying they should be re-marked, but I think I was already at the door by then, just wanting to be away.

Of course, even Joel couldn’t make it better this time. He was there at the door waiting for me in his socks like he always was. He must have guessed it wasn’t good news by my face as I came up the stairs, but I didn’t say anything, or start crying until he had his arms around me, and then I just dissolved into tears on his shoulder.

I couldn’t remember much of what followed, but it definitely involved wine – cold white wine, which I drank like lemonade, glass after glass, and that was about it. The next thing I remembered was waking up feeling dreadful. I shifted slightly in the bed and began to wonder where he was, and as I did that, I felt a strange lumpy thing underneath me that made a crackling noise as I moved. Puzzled, I sat up to see what it could be, and there, lying all squashed and bent on the sheet, was a bouquet of flowers, still in its cellophane wrapper, with an envelope stuck to the outside.