It’s half past six in the morning. She’s sitting at my kitchen table. She’s wearing a slightly shabby batik gown, loosely tied, with an unstructured floor-length black angora robe - like a knitted coat, draped over the top of it. She looks dramatic – stately, like some kind of bohemian monarch. Certainly not your average old lady.
I’d been looking forward to an hour’s peace – that’s why I came down so early, just some time on my own, without having to answer questions (always the same ones) about why she can’t access her emails. I show her each time, and each time she says “oh yes! I remember now”. I don’t think she really does though.
I cross the kitchen to get her some coffee, and while my back’s turned I hear a soft thud. I look round and her head is on the table. It’s always the same. Every morning. Nearly a month now.
I put the cup in front of her. She raises her head, tears streaming down her face.
“Joel would be so angry with me wouldn’t he? He'd say I was stupid”
Every morning she says this.
“No Marnie – he absolutely wouldn’t. He'd laugh at you and he'd raise his eyes to the ceiling. He wouldn’t be angry”
I try to sound emphatic, convincing: Then I hug her. I have no idea what I’m doing – if this is the right thing to say, or not – if I’m making her worse or better.
Another week and a half and she’ll be gone. At least I hope she will. Lately, from time to time she’s suggested maybe not going to the island. She comes up with all sorts of spurious reasons. The weather still not up to much in the Med. The stairs may be damp. How would she get broadband – that kind of thing.
It’s like she has this mental block – she can’t disassociate herself from the past, when it was a villa for summer holidays –drinking and partying – eating out every night, days on the beach – toasting yourself until you were caramel brown
It’s ten degrees warmer than it is here for a start. The stairs will be no damper than mine. How can stairs be damp anyway? She will have to turn on a heater. Wear jumpers like she does here. She isn’t going for a holiday, she’s going to live – like all her friends who live there all year round – sculptors, authors, artists – in the villa which belongs to her, in a village where she knows everyone. How bad can it be?
I think she’s scared. I know she’s scared. She doesn’t want to live alone. She never has - but she must now. She must learn to cope. At the villa she can walk around the village – there are little shops - and there‘s a bus that goes round the island. The drivers cover their windscreens with rosaries, little brightly-coloured statuettes of the Virgin Mary. She shudders at the idea of it – but she has no choice. She’ll have to .
And another thing: she is sucking the life out of me. I don’t think she means to. I think it’s part of being depressed– she has no idea how she’s behaving. She’s so consumed by her misery she can’t see how my entire day is taken up with her – there is so much she can’t do. I spend half the day driving her around and the other half repeating the same things – answering the same questions over and over again. I think the sleeping pills and the wine make this worse.
I am okay for the moment though, so long as she goes. Soon.
In the meantime it’s not all gloom – sometimes she’s funny and I enjoy her company and she doesn’t cry all the time. I’m showing her how to use Youtube, and a scanner. Sometimes she’s happy. The weeping is getting worse though – more frequent - and she won’t leave me alone for a second. I’ve started getting up earlier and earlier, just to get some peace, but now she’s started following me down as soon as she hears me, so all it means is that the day is even longer. The doctor does nothing but give her sleeping pills, and the sleeping pills do nothing but make her confused and sad.
What if she won’t go though? – this is the thing that haunts me – that I wake up thinking about in the middle of the night. Sometimes I worry that she’s just about to ask if she can stay – she’ll say “..Maybe I shouldn’t go to the villa….” and then she’ll look at me, and I have to try to sound encouraging, positive, and say “Marnie you must go – it will be fine!”
And I mean it – she must. It’s the best place for her – it’s the place she has the most chance of being fine. I hope she doesn’t ask though. I’m not sure if I can say no.
Ten more days.
Comments
Silver Spun Sand | February 26, 2011 - 19:30
Hang on in there, kid;-)
Another amusing, thought-provoking, and heart-rending account, insert...woodchip and all.
Tina
insertponceyfre... | February 26, 2011 - 19:36
I am trying Tina! Thank you for reading
celticman | February 26, 2011 - 20:18
I'm not sure about the woodchip bit. The bit about Marnie is heart rendering and I'd love to read more. That, however, would mean Marnie staying even longer. If each of you keeps getting up earlier and earlier then it is no longer the middle of the night, because...?
Beeme | February 26, 2011 - 20:42
I agree with Tina, heart rending and thought- provoking.
Beeme xx
ashb | February 26, 2011 - 21:40
Why not offer to pop out to the island with her and help get her settled?
I am perhaps blurring realism and reading here. I am sure there may be reasons for not doing this, but it might be pleasant to read.
insertponceyfre... | February 26, 2011 - 21:51
thanks for reading and commenting Beeme - really pleased you enjoyed it
I am going to ashb! a few weeks after she gets there. Not sure if it'll be pleasant, but I will write about it. Thanks very much for reading
insertponceyfre... | February 26, 2011 - 21:53
thank you too celticman. I wasn't sure about the woodchip either,so I've deleted that bit
thank you for the cherry!
seashore | February 26, 2011 - 23:52
Some good writing coming out of all this though wondering when you get time to do it...
Dynamaso | February 27, 2011 - 00:56
Your perseverance and patience is to be admired, as is your writing. I do hope you get to have a little time to yourself, if only to get a bit of balance.
Highhat | February 27, 2011 - 08:49
Sounds very trying- yeah hang on in there- I am sure you will manage as Marnie also will.
;)Pia
insertponceyfre... | February 27, 2011 - 11:17
thanks for reading Pia, dynamaso and seashore - glad you all enjoyed it - I'm sure everything will work itself out in the end!
ScoZen | February 28, 2011 - 13:20
Hello insert.
I have arrived late to this one.
Enjoyed, but what was the bit about woodchip?
barryj1 | February 28, 2011 - 16:35
This, for me at least, is far and away one of your best pieces because of the discipline and attention to detail. It reminds me of the vignettes Sarah Orne Jewett, the nineteenth century American writer from Maine, used to do. It has that same three-dimensional quality that sucks the reader in without the need for gratuitous violence, sex, profanity, etc. - just first-rate prose and random bits of human pathos/insight to pass along to the interested reader. I have to add 'interested' because your message is both understated and suble. Some readers may unfortunately missconstrue the message.
insertponceyfre... | February 28, 2011 - 20:38
ScoZen, thanks for reading. The woodchip thing was in the original story I posted, but celticman thought it was boring so I edited it out
Barry - thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a detailed (and flattering) comment. I am really pleased you enjoyed it
the unfolding head | March 1, 2011 - 10:04
Really enjoyed this - the sense of frustration came across as very genuine and natural. The honesty of this piece is great.
insertponceyfre... | March 1, 2011 - 16:36
thank you for reading and commenting the unfolding - frustration sums it up very well.
thanks to you too blighters - really glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for the advice
rjnewlyn | March 1, 2011 - 23:03
Well I suppose it's 7 days (or so) now. I hope it goes OK - I guess it will be difficult to know until it actually happens. This piece is very good, as others have said - runs an impressive (but very real) range of emotions. Rob
insertponceyfre... | March 2, 2011 - 20:44
less than seven days and counting! Thanks very much for reading Rob, and for the wishes
Sooz006 | March 11, 2011 - 11:13
This is the first piece that the frustration has really come to the fore, well the first one I've read. Terribly real. Hang in there, be strong and for both your sake's stick to your resolve. And the missing woodchip becomes clear.
insertponceyfre... | March 12, 2011 - 07:22
thanks Sooz - v pleased you enjoyed it. Frustration over now - phew!
Cavalcaderl | March 14, 2011 - 18:56
new insertponceyfre
Congrats; on well desrved cherry!
Good story and real. Of course can
identify quite alot in this story.
Marnie needs all your love you give,
help you do, but one must have a bit of time
to themselves I know from experiences. Mine.
T.v story other night, was re; someone think Alziemers spelt that wrong, they took him out
to club young ones he drank sang enjoyed himself.
No one telling him what to do, even a female spoke him, and daughter or son there laughing saw him home.
And invitation take him up and stay with friends met
If there able to travel or show them photos and pictures brings memories back. Mind you our memories going. But hang on. Cat's in nursing homes stroke comfort or trained dog.Find MARNIE puzzle,paint sing
watch her and let her be herself, if you know what I
mean, hard work. He is talking while I am trying type
to you, and I can't do all computer changes, like him
so I am abit like Marnie. Hope helped my mum in nursing home, very lively 80 old, difficult chat, into coma most time, now gone. Matron more interested light bulb and dark room called out new one,them instead helping my mum put out on a chair and her head right over on her shoulder I thought died. I mentioned she is ok. yes, Not so. Then she fallen of commode broken hip, waited till evening find out.This is how things go sometimes isn't it. Pop went young at home just me with him and other 6 came later, lady friend given him a rosary strangely enough I got out held beside him,I didn't know how to use, it isn't easy is it. So many I know 90 go hospital on own. We can only do what we can up to a point.Hope you both get away isn't anyone take over.
all the best that;s enough from me.When more than one son or daughter they do put one against the other. New face new chat ideas cos they want to do so
much themselves can't.The love you give is the answer. Then get out forget till next visit.
Pride I arranged meet friend new mum,we chatted and about my mum be dancing and singing there, if could have done. I had good time old lady long grey hair
waving procession and blowing kisses, thought mum.
Met friend bit sunburnt we got, got home Ray didn't come phone goes 3am morning, reached across answered
for my sister put phone down, I knew something wrong
I phoned her number and home, as promised to call both engaged? got through to inlaw eventually how could I say had mum died I did, said "afraid so".
So do what you can why you can.
x cavalderl julie xx
May help you.
will delete if like.ok.If it's to long or don't like.Or not meant to be so long on here. Excuse spelling mistakes.Hope helped.
insertponceyfre... | March 15, 2011 - 09:33
don't delete it julie! It's very kind of you to read and comment, and thank you very much for the helpful comments. I'm not sure if she has got Alzheimers (I can't spell it either) - I think she might just be stressed, but I don't know.
Cavalcaderl | March 15, 2011 - 16:54
new insertponceyfre
Thankyou hope may help, must read more
of your's. yep, been there in most of
situations mentioned on AbcTales.
May like to read one tried on here "The
Mess Of Some Of Life's Experiences". Did
needs putting into right way for a story,
can't do yet. But high readings, and comments
so pleased.Keep yours coming.
x cavalcaderl julie xx