Maybe it was the way
That you surrounded me in the playground
Tossing me to and fro
A rag doll
Maybe it was the way
You pushed me in the mud
And rubbed my face in the slimy dirt
Cruel games
Maybe it was the way
I followed you home one day
Kitchen knife held firmly in my grasp
Predator
Maybe it was the way
I gently tapped your shoulder
And you turned to look at me with a mocking smirk
On your face
Maybe it was the way
The knife made a tearing hiss
As it ripped through your flesh
Bloody fountain
Maybe it was the way
You gasped pathetically for help
Your mouth overflowing; glistening red
Choking
Maybe it was the way
I smiled down on you kindly
And kissed your wet, slippery lips
Loving hate
Maybe it was the way
Your metallic blood tasted on my tongue
That made my revenge oh, so sweet
The abused becomes the abuser.
Comments
threeleafshamrock | July 12, 2009 - 07:52
Wow, I must remember not to get on the wrong side of you lol.
'I followed you home on day' > one day? small typo.
'You mouth overflowing with glistening red liquid' > I would suggest:
'You mouth overflowing; glistening red'
I also tried reading this without the one-liners between the stanzas and found it more fulfilling. That's a personal view but I know a common mistake - that I still make - is over emphasis. It's tempting to hammer home the message for fear the reader doesn't get the message and I found these lines a little superfluous.
Lots of feeling in this piece and a little madness too. Shades of 'Hitchcock'. I like this, especially this verse:
Maybe it was the way
I smiled down on you kindly
And kissed your wet, slippery lips
Creepy and manic; Love it!
Chris ;)
InspiredWriter | July 12, 2009 - 15:40
Ha ha lol thanks!
It was meant to be a bit manic and physcho-ish :)
I understand about the one-liners but i didn't know how else to make them stand out because i want those lines in particular to be emphasized...if i changed it would they still stand out and hold their own?
Your version of the glistening red line is an improvment as well so thanks! :P
Sarahx
Cavalcaderl | July 12, 2009 - 16:18
NEW hello!Inspired writer this certainly makes readers sit up! and read again imagery and manic, The line "the abuse! becomes the abuser" physcho kind of bits frightening, wonder if it's true.Another Agather Christie. I knew song "Rag Doll mine sayin although it hurts to " deceive" her so well bu I think that "Silence is golden" " Gene Pitneys. love of me can't get tune right on my brain yet. good luck your are very potent words
job to believe you can be so descriptive
is that right word look for more! hope I sleep
only kidding.
julie Cavalcaderl x
Luly Whisper | April 18, 2010 - 14:35
I like the one-liners between the stanzas - it gives the poem more of a pattern.