The Portal
I.
I was wandering in the desert. I was wondering what I was doing here. Oh yes, I was dead, but what was I doing here? The place looked familiar, as if I had been here before.
There was a large patch of rather large shaped boulders nearby, it made the place look even more familiar so I went closer to inspect. I walked among the boulders and saw a short distance away that there were two boulders larger than the rest and spaced so that they formed a natural gateway through the rocks.
In front of them a figure donning a white robe was walking back and forth, twirling what look like Darth Vader's sword, much like a drum majorette would twirl her baton. I continued my inspection of him from a distance, and if he noticed my presence he did not reveal it. He was a handsome man under the hood, I could tell, albeit in an extremely rugged fashion.
Not having much other choice, and being dead already, I approached him. "Morning." said I. "Morning" said he, but we were both lying because in death there is no particular time. "What's up?" I inquired. "Just keeping an eye on the gate, you'll be wanting to pass through I suppose?" He said. "Through to where?" I asked. "The other side" he responded impatiently "everyone who dies wants to go through to the other side, don't they?" "I suppose...what's on 'the other side?' I asked. "That you find out once you get to 'the other side'. He informed me. "How do you go through then?" I asked.
He whipped out a large black bound book (hard cover) from underneath his robe. "Lets first see if you're in here, not everyone is, y'know...initials and surname!" I was a bit taken aback by all this but gave it to him curious to see the result. "JP Brown." "Hmm, lets see, lets see.. Brown, Brown, Brown..ah, here..full names please." he said. "Jacques Pinard Brown." I informed him. "Hmm, lets see lets see, ah yes, here we are" I was quite pleased but he continued, "Spell that."
"J-a-c-q-u-e-s P-i-n-a-r-d B-r... but he rudely interrupted "You say J-a-c-q? I 've got a Jacques Pinard Brown but without a 'c'. Sorry." He said and slammed closed the book in my face, whipping out his light saber again instead. "What are you going to do with that, I'm dead already." I said now genuinely agitated. "Doesn't mean you can't still hurt." "Really, well can I at least assume it means I can't die again.." I asked sardonically but then recollected myself.
"Look I said "obviously there has been a mistake in your admin department. There may have been other Jacques Browns on earth, but I would think it safe to say that there were no other Jacques Pinard Browns. Obviously someone 'on the other side' as you call it, can't spell."
"Hmm, possible" he said but resumed his samurai stance until something seemed to dawn him. "Now that you mentioned it, we've had that problem before." he said now with the sword at his side in his one hand, the other rubbing his chin. "Before?' I inquired. " Hmm, yes... Nicodemus, Nicodimus, who would guess there is a difference." he noted bemused " Or Lasarus, Lazarus... and then there was all the coming and going with him as well, hell on the paperwork, and ...". I said "Thank you for bringing that to my attention, I promise not to be a bother in the same way, speaking of which, can we get back to my case."
"Oh yes, spelling mistake. Simple, just turn left around that rock twenty meters on you'll find another large rock, here you turn right then about ten meters from there you'll find another rock, left again. You'll find a lady behind a desk, just explain your situation to her and she'll give you a form to complete. Just fill it in, wait for processing, and you should be through the portal and on the next craft out of here and on your way home, in no time.
"Craft? Home?" I asked but added "nevermind."before he could get started again. "left then right then left again?" I confirmed. He looked slightly confounded for a moment, but then gathered what wits he had; "Oh yes, that sounds about right." he said encouragingly.
II.
I followed his instructions but still got slightly lost among the rocks. Eventually I stumbled into a clearing where a group of people was sitting waiting. There was a lady nearby behind a desk who would occasionally call and odd number and one of those seated would go to be helped by her. "Mispellt names?" I asked the person seated closest to me, "Take a number." He said. I did, number one thousand three hundred and thirteen.
We sat, we waited. We waited, we sat. When the lady had finished helping a soul she would stamp the form he or she filled in, with great emphasis. So great in fact, that it seems she was making the impressions more permanent, so doing. It got light, it got dark. It got dark, it got light, I waited.
"Number three thousand three hundred and thirteen!" She shouted shrilly one day. The man next to me nudged me in the ribs, I stumbled forward. She asked my name and her comment was; "funny name." She gave me a form, which I filled out and she stamped emphatically, returning it to me with instructions involving several alternating lefts and rights, as to where I was to deposit the form to have it processed.
Again stumbling among the boulders I again wound up in a similar clearing, with a similar crowd and a similar lady behind a similar desk, repeating a similar process as the first. This continued for some prolonged period of time with me stumbling from boulder to boulder, desk to desk filling in form after form. Getting it stamped and sent on for processing.
So this was eternity I realized one day. Definitely a kind of purgatory, I surmised. Getting sent to and fro in the desert. Hurry up and wait among the boulders. Doomed to an eternity of civil service treatment in the middle of nowhere. Maybe not purgatory, maybe a mild form of Hell.
However that be, it certainly seemed like an eternity, and one which wasn't ending soon. I was thus engaged in a melancholy fashion, silently bewailing my lot in yet another clearing waiting to fill in yet another form. When my name was called I noticed that this particular lady behind this particular desk was particularly pretty, unlike the others. Also correspondingly friendly.
"There you are Jacques", she said. "You're processing is complete. We hope you didn't experience any inconvenience. You may now return to the portal and await the next craft. I am sure you'll be able to find the way. She smiled a warm parting smile. "Thanks" I said and left in disbelief clutching the form she so daintily stamped.
" 'hope you didn't experience any inconvenience' 'sure you'll be able to find the way' Fuckit." I said and threw in a phony smile like hers for good measure.
III.
The man at the portal was still twirling his sword when I returned. But even from this distance I could see that he was now doing this for a more definite purpose. A crowd of little purple and pink furry creatures, all about three feet high, with tiny horns on their heads, were pelting the robed man with stones and pebbles. He in turn twirled his lightsabre about in an attempt to intercept the projectiles. At this he was quite good and with lightning reflexes he dealt with the stones the little furry devils hurled at him. Still they persisted with their evil antics while singing this song:
'Brother Bertie went away,
to do his bit, the other day
with a smile on his lips,
and his leftenant pips, upon his shoulders, bright and gay.
When the train pulled out, he said:
"Remember me to all the birds.
Then he wagged his paw, and went away to war
shouting out these pathetic words:
"Good-byeee!
Don't cry-eee!
There's a silver lining in the sky-eee!
Bonsior old thing,
Cheerio ching-ching!
Ka-boo!
Toodle-loo!
Good-byeee!'
(Old war-song.)
When they had concluded their song they threw a few more stones for good measure and then proceeded to depart, while shaking their fists at no one in particular and mumbling foul and sweet utterings.
The robed man dusted himself off saying; "Under constant attack, I tell you, under constant attack.
As I approached him he looked at me and said; What? Back so soon. They must have upgraded the system." I didn't quite no how to reply to this so said; "Here's my clearance, I take it I can go through now?"
He examined it closely and attentively for a while then said begrudgingly "I guess so." And as I passed through the two big rocks I could hear him say behind me;"They're making it to easy, nowadays, soon you'll have all types coming through here. Now, in my day things were different..." He was obviously in conversation with himself so I ignored him and headed on ahead.
On the other side of the rocks it looks the same as the side I came in. Rocks in the desert. But there was a huge bubble in the middle of the clearing filled with souls. Two men in white robes, like the one before the portal, approached me.
"Hello, I'm Mose and this is Abe, I take it you are Jacques ?" without waiting for a response he continued "You mustn't mind old Pete their in front of the gate, he takes his job a bit to seriously. Let me see your clearance." I handed him the prettily stamped form. "All clear" he said.
Nearby was what looked like a small bonsai apple tree in what looked like a cheap plastic bucket. It had small red apples the size of marbles. "The Tree of Life. Mose said proudly. "First you must of it eat before your spirit may ascend the Heavens. I plucked a small red fruit after realizing they all looked equally delicious, and swallowed it. "Now you're dead spirit is alive (as opposed to your dead spirit being dead) and you may enter yonder craft. He said majestically.
"Is this the craft?" I asked. "The one and only spirit craft." he informed me. "More aerodynamic than it looks, I assure you. Also, you don't have to worry about the weight factor, what with carting souls and no baggage. Hop aboard while I get it warmed up." he said.
The craft sputtered ominously for a while before clearing the ground. Then shot through space at a speed unimaginable. And soon we were traveling through a space and dimension I could not comprehend; traveling to a destination I had never dreamt of.
