Abstract (28th May 2008, 12.13pm)
Sharp, silver blade,
Dig, like a spade does, at the surface of the earth;
Call it skin;
Call it sin;
You’ll never get to heaven; they won’t let you in.
Do I look like I care, at this point,
About something abstract
That might not exist;
A belief system
That would condemn me
For cutting my way out
Of this prison?
Do the preachers feel the way I feel
When the sharp, silver blade
Is the only object real?
Dig, like my blade does, at the surface of my skin;
Call it earth,
If you like;
It’s wearing thin.
You’ll never be forgiven; they won’t overlook
A human that chooses not to do things by the book.
Do I look like it matters, today,
Where tomorrow may lead?
An abstract concept
As I bleed.
Sharp, silver blade,
Dig, like a prayer does, at the surface of my soul,
Making a hole,
An escape route.
Your hands, warm,
Blur before my sight does;
Another abstract thought:
Blunt, coloured love.
Comments
Doeslittle | May 27, 2008 - 23:29
I really like this. I love the 'Dig' lines especially. The only lines I'm not sure about are 'As I bleed' - 'As I suffer' or something might work better and 'You’ll never be forgiven; they won’t overlook a human that chooses not to do things by the book.' which I, personally, would chop out as it reads better without them. However, other than that I think it's excellent.
jennifer | May 27, 2008 - 23:37
Unfortunately, as a 'free verse' poet, I am inordinately fond of rhymes. Hence 'bleed' to match 'lead'.
The 'You’ll never be forgiven; they won’t overlook a human that chooses not to do things by the book.'
Is the other 'voice' of the poem and reflects the earlier 'You’ll never get to heaven; they won’t let you in'. But yes, I agree that the double line is unwieldy.
Thank you for your comments, the 'Dig' lines are my favourites too!
Doeslittle | May 27, 2008 - 23:51
Which is why I say personally. I am reluctant at times to make criticisms as it seems so subjective. I'm not very good at criticising anyway as I have no idea about the technical side of things or the language to use to articulate what I want to say properly. I don't even really know what a 'free verse' poet is! I'll google it. Oh the shame and ignorance!!