Familiar Stars

You trampled dreams I had flat down

do you think if you put a comma after had, it might sound better? (feel free to ignore this - I know nothing about the rules of poetry)

anyway, I liked this very much, Jennifer.

I was debating that, but I think it's correct as it is. Poetry has the same punctuation rules as any other form of writing. People often misuse commas in poetry to create pauses, which I cannot stand!

Thank you very much for the compliment!

J x

I think reflection is a device the poet is supposed to develop to increase his/her craft but it is also something that we can get addicted to and distracted from the everyday part of living.

Can you tell you hit a nerve. And did so all the way through - great Jen. :)

We've both submitted poems today that start with the same three words, Jen! (Great minds obviously!)Really love this one, especially these lines:

'And your face blooms inside my head…
Remember when you made me glow?'

The use of the word 'blooms' - so brilliant and original ;)

Well done on the cherry!

Magic xxx

Hi jennifer,
I love this poem, because it touches on a subject
that many people have experienced.
I think that it is a shame we have to worry about
punctuations and commas and full stops and all the
rest of the do's and don'ts of writing, when all we
are really trying to do is tell a story.
Anyway congratulations on the cherry. Well deserved.
Jenny.

trickymac - sorry to hit a nerve but glad you enjoyed it anyway! This poem is very personal to me, glad you can empathise!

Magic - thank you! Will have to investigate your offering! Great minds indeed! x

Jenny - thank you very much for your lovely comment. However, I have to disagree with you. Although I agree with your statement that 'all we are really trying to do is tell a story', I believe that the dos and don'ts of writing, such as punctuation, are extremely important in the telling of that story. We tell stories, especially in poetry, through the manipulation of words to create meaning. Punctuation also creates meaning - it structures and controls those words and their effect. Think about it... how can our meaning be transmitted to our readers through the medium of words if those words are incorrect or read the wrong way because they are incorrectly organised?

J x

I like it but its a bit rigid.Like it came from a textbook or something

A textbook? Care to explain that comment?

J x

Hi Jennifer,
Well I suppose your right, but having only just come
onto ABC Tales I'm a novice.
Having read alot of books, I have never been aware
before of how hard writers work, I really take my
hat of to them. When I read it's amazing how much
I take for granted.
Jenny.

I think you could do much better. Didn't really like it.

Yes, I agree that it's not my best work, but it's what the Muse offered me at the time. I write because I have to; it just happens!

J x

I put that comment because I have read some of your other writing so know you are more capable. I couldn't see a catchy idea in it, really, probably just not to my taste. I suppose I found it self indulgent.

New Jennifer
Well deserved cherry!
Thoroughly enjoyed this,
as it will apply to 1,000
out there somewhere in life and me.

The twinkling stars start smiling now,
They beam their light down on my face,
I bathe in starlight and do you know?
The memories become erased.
julie xx

Jacquelineann - I suppose that it is self-indulgent, yes, but poetry is about self-expression, at the end of the day. I often find that it's easier to appreciate poetry that reflects one's own experience, because then one concentrates on the empathy and less on the level of expertise displayed! Thank you for the compliment about being 'more capable', too!

Julie - thank you so much for your lovely comment, that's my favourite stanza too!

J x

I read it again .Its alright.

Jennifer, there's more going on in this than you let on, I think. You're holding something back.

'Yet, as I age, I’ll miss the thrill
Of my wish being your command'

suggests you would have liked things to have turned out differently.

But,

'This freedom is worth twice the price
Of any wedding ring you gave.
I am the mistress of my life:
That band of gold keeps her enslaved.'

suggests otherwise.

Please expand.

Aha, yes, the complexities of relationships! Haven't you ever had one of those where you miss them, or aspects of them, and yet you're glad you're no longer with them? This poem is about that pang.

J x

Got the tee shirt J. Your 'anger' is subtle, perhaps too much so ?

But that's the point: it's not anger, it's a sort of numbed feeling. A gentle regret mixed with a slight relief!

J x

Yes, I got that numbness...it's very well put across, and sad...the transience of life, devastating. I liked this very much, and glad you liked 'Unison' :) It was written on a plane flight x

Jennifer I loved it. Like many of the comments before I felt like it is what i am feeling. You are so great at putting it into words. i envy your talent. i especially liked these parts

Here I am in the same small town,
Staring up at familiar stars,
Dreaming of all the days gone down,
Wondering why they did not last.

Old songs come on the radio
And your face blooms inside my head…
Remember when you made me glow?
Do you recall the things we said?

Those promises they haunt me now:
I wasted so much soul on you,
You trampled dreams I had flat down
And used my love to hide your truth.

Yet, as I age, I’ll miss the thrill
Of my wish being your command.

I have packed up my broken heart,
It’s in a box high on a shelf
With all the laughing photographs
Because you married someone else.

my only difference is that he isnt married and just dating someone else. but the feelings are the same as you said.

----Kuno-Chan----