Skin (10th June 2008, 11.36am)
I am a prisoner within
my own body limits,
restricted by cell walls
and creeping minutes
as I age and shed, one
by one, the building blocks
that construct a human;
the world is in my skin;
the world is on my skin;
my world is within my skin;
and I need to escape.
Like a snake, I itch and scratch,
loosening the wrappings,
detaching inside from
outside, all the trappings
that make me look human,
slide out, leave it hanging
on a nail protruding;
the world can see my skin;
the world can see me too;
the world is staring at my skin;
and it can see right through.
Comments
Caldwell | June 10, 2008 - 14:27
Sorry, that was callous. I particularly like the first 4 lines. I think the very last line lets it down though.
jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 15:35
Is that better?
I changed 'as I stand and bleed'
to 'but it cannot see me'.
And your = possessive
while you're = you are, which is the one I think you mean...
No, callous in lines of poetry is perfectly acceptable, I always enjoy a comment on verse in verse...
sunshine | June 10, 2008 - 16:14
Disturbing dream indeed. Meanwhile your versatility with subjects never ceases to amaze me.
I didn't see the last line before you made changes, but not so sure it works now. Can see/can't see? Though I can kind of see why you may have introduced this apparent contradiction.
Not too sure about the snake loosening the wrappings, but that may be due to the limitations of my own imagination.
Caldwell | June 10, 2008 - 18:21
You're prettier with a membrane, darling.
It's the skin
that keeps us in
without it would be sore
We'd go dry
and quickly die
and that would be a bore
Caldwell | June 10, 2008 - 18:22
I think it's better now, yes. I modified my comment mishap too so as not to dirty your page with poor language skills
jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 19:28
Haha yes but have just noticed, as sunshine pointed out, that I've totally contradicted myself. I need more suggestions!
the world can see my skin;
the world can see me too;
the world is staring at my skin;
but it cannot see me.
See?
Caldwell | June 10, 2008 - 21:30
I noticed, but since you outwit me so easily I thought this was some cleverer than thou trick I couldn't hope to understand.
but cannot see within.
perhaps? Sorry I'm so desperate to make a rhyme.
Is it a crime?
Could be sublime...
Just give me time.
jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 21:33
Oh dear, I hope I don't come across as pretentious - I'm really not. I'm actually quite silly.
Is it a crime, a crime
to want to make things rhyme?
We shall do our time, our time,
trying to make it rhyme...
In the vein of musicals such as 'Oliver!' eh?
Yes, me too, I love random internal rhymes too, they make pieces so ROUND, don't you think? Very lyrical. I have no idea what to do here, completely stumped.
Dynamaso | June 10, 2008 - 23:59
This is another piece I could easily imagine as song lyrics. I really like this one.
jennifer | June 11, 2008 - 07:04
Got it! How about that, Caldwell?!
Thanks, Dy!
Caldwell | June 11, 2008 - 19:20
Phew, that's it. Thy fearful symmetry has been framed.
jennifer | June 11, 2008 - 22:06
Yes, and here I lurk in the forests of the night, saying I'm off to bed and yet still here on the ever more addictive abc, spying on my own comments and leaving my little remarks all over the place!
Thou shalt find more errors, I am sure on 't!
Caldwell | June 12, 2008 - 08:03
Yes, this is terribly addictive... I guess I'll be hearing about it soon from them that pays me wages