Zerex Clapped

Zerex clapped. Sat forward on the bench. He would not go. Simple as that. He. Would. Not. Go. He would not go to the Earwicker's party that night. It was nothing personal. The cancellation? Oh, the cancellation would be scrupulously tactful. Deceitful even. Wait! The truth? Remember: truth to yourself, lies to others. The truth: neither he nor they would benefit from his presence. Only that? That only. No fear? Old sock stink of social unease? Halitosis of misjudged jokes? Fartlet of forgotten names? No. Blood test negative. Colon clean. No fear. Desire? What? Desire. No. No desire. Long glances over small talk. Deep décolletage. Open mouth. Yellow rain. Membranes rubbed raw! Ventricles emptied! No desire. Almost none. Anger? Grass-green snake of unacknowledged slights? No. Nothing biting. Check carefully now. Punctured pride? No. Burning blood? No. Toxic scrotum? No. Venom free. No anger. Curiosity? Wait! 'You'll be coming alone won't you Zerex?' Smirk to go with it. Bitch. Zerex the loner. Zerex the zero. Wait! Was it a smirk? Maybe a smile. Always trying to set him up. Oh you're Zerex. So pleased to meet you at last. Pleased knees. Eyes closed. Lips apart. No! No desire. Almost none. Where was he? Curiosity. Gaze up boy at glowing window and dream the gilded lives behind it. Pah. Old and bored now. Living rooms. Kitchens. Vulvas. Brains. All homes home. All bodies the body he spawned in. The one he will die in. Regrets? This most crucial of all. No missed chances. No kid stay home on sunny day while family frolic on boring beach. No comic book in curtained room while dreams of light elude the cornice. POW! Sandcastles are crap. KASLAPPP! Stupid sister, running on the sand. BLAMMO! Stupid sand between her stupid toes. KERRRASH! The sea sounds rubbish. WHOOSH! Seagull framed by evening sky. Evening? Late afternoon. Late afternoon in long ago summer. Seagull framed by deep blue sky. Hover for a moment in the deep blue sky. No clouds. Just light. Deep blue sky and bright white band around the gull. Painted by light. Every feather. Every flutter. Every fear. Every fart. Where was he? Where is he? Wet graves. Wet grass. Swoosh of cars around the walls. Wake the dead. Lull the living. Where he is. Where was he? Regrets. No regrets? None. Nothing missed. Nothing? Zerex! So glad you could make it! Kiss. Kiss. Do come in. Coats on the bed. Drinks on the table. I'm on my knees. Disgrace me Zerex. Make me drink every drop. Every vile drop. No desire! Almost none. Think! Sluice me Zerex. Think! Only worthy of your waste. Think! Make me reek. Think! Parties attended: thousands. Maybe fifty. Lusts thereby appeased: none. Not one. Logic of choice: induction. The general from the particulars inferred: no fucking chance. No chance fucking. So stop! Release. Ahhh. Here it comes. Cold cold rain on flame of hope. Hissing embers. Drifting steam. Diamond forest day. Anything possible on a day like that. Even a dance with the devil of deduction. No sex => no joy => no point => no (boring conversation OR false laughter OR pretending to like unlikeable people OR straining to be interesting) AND several hours of wide open time => dancing, dancing heart. Zerex laughed. Leaned back on the bench. The battle was over. The sun was out. He would not go to the party that night. Zerex clapped.