I flit like a ghost through
those greyest of roads.
My shoes stumble over
silent empty slits in the path.
Trepident steps are mirrored by the hollow
clanking of a hammer,
miles away.
A car crashes into the still air,
feet from me.
Then the lifeless squeal of
ice cream draws only screams of death from
the 'ready - dead children on the
road.
When I happen upon an
eerie grotto, where
sleeps a chipped statue of a
childless virgin,
in blue.
She tenders no guidance,
for I am not lost.
But friends on this path are few.
Comments
Doeslittle | March 17, 2008 - 22:02
I do like this. It has some good lines. I like the last stanza, I like chunks of it, I like the structure of it. It needs editing though and a bit of development - eg, 'greyest of roads'...something other than grey in a poem like this? I don't like 'eerie grotto'...it's a bit..well, I don't know..I don't think it belongs in this.
keleph | March 17, 2008 - 23:51
interesting... :)
I like chunks my life too, and parts of it definitely need editing! But it all belongs, this poem being a literal representation of a true event and a metaphorical one of.... well work that bit out for yourself.
thanks for the comment, your one of the few people who do it, and thanks for being honest when you do.
LawOfTheOne | March 18, 2008 - 01:25
Is this about coming home one night after a session(the screaming undead kids made me think so).
The first time Wolfe Tone has ever been represented in a poem, just don't tell any of them, they won't be best pleased.
There should be something about a boot in this, maybe you see it and then it just goes away, it would really add to it! :)
Nice poem though, freakyish, dark.
Doeslittle | March 18, 2008 - 15:58
I didn't mean the sentiment needed editing or what it was about, I meant the way it was expressed in one or two of words used. Still, it's all subjective anyway...You're welcome re comments, it's good when people do and I like it when people make suggestions about mine, I don't always take their advice, but it's nice to get feedback!
keleph | March 18, 2008 - 18:56
its all about sessions with you Law, isnt it? this happened yesterday after you went on down the town. funnily enough though i was walkin past that house in WT when it happened, so there may be some unconcious resonances being picked up ;)
doeslittle, i think how something is expressed IS what its about. if it felt weird, unsettled or parts of it felt out of place then its a successful representation, because thats exactly how i felt as i walked down that road and everything in the poem actually happened... ok, the children weren't dead but apart from that...
thanks again.
jezzicaz789 | November 29, 2009 - 14:04
Hi all, I am a new member of forum. Would a newcomer be warmly welcome here? Good day you guys!!!
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