If one morning
i wake and wonder,
of how I would like to be an insect,
laid out upon its back.
Hair, pincers and Legs
violently vying for life,
struggling, and tangling, and fighting, and...
Or upon one acrid Afternoon
I may revere insanity,
its insatiable mist, crawling across a wet moor.
with one eyed sheep,
sentinels of wool; and teeth,
herding me past with malice filled
stares.
Should I, atop the lonely
mount of night
recall those voices in empty air
at play outside my room.
hope they will speak
and inspire, if only of terror to come
Then is the day.
my yellow poems will burn.
Comments
LawOfTheOne | March 29, 2008 - 02:59
I liked this. The stanza about the moor is brilliant, the imagery and style.
I thought it was going to go on with more of this but it abruptly came to a halt. Maybe develop it more?
:)
keleph | March 29, 2008 - 12:21
thanks Law,
ye, i had the ideas for a couple more stanzas floating around but i could barely keep my eyes open toward the end of this, so i'll put them in later. the moor stanza was inspired by a really grim video of Dylan Thomas in Donegal. (check it out on utube)
keep writing Law! (comments on my work, that is)
Doeslittle | March 30, 2008 - 16:51
Thought it was good. I'm not worried about it being abrupt - I thought it was broken into periods of time well so that I wasn't really expecting more.
mikepyro | April 2, 2008 - 22:10
I quite enjoyed the end. abruptness sometimes adds to a piece and I think this way employed just well enough to work.
nice imagery.
not sure if afternoon needs to be capitalized.
ScribbleScribe | April 4, 2008 - 16:29
hmn. interesting Imagery :). very nice use of words.
keleph | April 4, 2008 - 17:48
thanks Doeslittle, Mikepyro, ScribbleScribe,
always wonderful to hear your thoughts; i think i'll leave it at this and not add the other stanzas, it might make it boring and youv got an interesting point on the abruptness.
iv got contations of slow, laziness with the word afternoon which felt diminished when i added a capital (to spice it up ;) i also wanted to highlight the progression of time.
thanks again.