Alien Abduction

I was coming home from Papa Johns pizza place last Thursday night after picking up up a pizza and bread sticks. I was listening to a Tracy Chapman CD that my wife, Tammy, just bought me for my birthday. All of the sudden, a bluish green light encompassed my car. I thought to myself, "What the hell!"

Then I went into a fuzzy state (no, not California) and blacked out. As I was waking up, I began to focus on colored lights streaking across the ceiling. It seemed like I was at a Pink Floyd concert. Tracy Chapman was singing,"Give Me One Reason." Still drowsy, I noticed that short skinny people were dancing, playing air gutar and air drums.

I could feel that I was in a type of lounge chair. One of the little people walked over to me, got close to my face and said, " Hey mon, this is some groovy music!" I pushed myself back in the chair and shouted,"Who and what the hell are you?" He looked like Whoopi Goldberg and Tom Petty had a short kid. He had red dreadlocks and was wearing a tie die t-shirt.

He answered me with a Jamaican, Japanese accent," I am Zitapulla, I am the pilot !" I asked nervously," Why are you all dressed like you dropped out of the sixties?" He replied," The last time we was here mon was in your year 1969." I mumbled in desperation," Shit, I'm on a space ship, oh shit!" He laughed and said," This is not a space ship mon, it is a rental from Questran."

I questioned, "Questran?" He said," Silly mon, Questran, located just outside the Pissionamouse Galaxy." I grumled, "Then what the hell are we in then?" "It is a Turate mon, it goes about three times the speed of light unless we have cows." he said in a lifting voice. I had to ask, "Cows, what cows?" He grinned with a big purple lipstick smile and said,"Yes, cows, we trade them for Julah!"

I had to ask again, "What is Julah?" He replied, "Little white bugs, and when we crack them open, mon what a rush, imagine you cocaine in a rocket up you nose!" I had to laugh,"You trade cows for drugs, what kind of Aliens are you?" "Aliens," he chuckled, " we are Angels, well kind of angels mon, uuuh you might call us white trash angels?" He went on," We kind of work for someone who works for the Big One."

I couldn,t help but notice that the others were still dancing to Tracy Chapman and they looked just as weird as this one. One even looked like that Paul Williams songwriter guy. The only female looked like Twiggy meets Punky Brewster with an afro. I turned my attention back to ZItapulla and asked," By the Big One, do you men God?" He laughed and said," Yes but we call him, Charley. Norris.......oh just kidding.....Elvis.....just kidding." Then he kind of stiffened up and whispered to himself," Sorry, I know, I won't do it again, ok, ok, okaaaaay!"

I asked him," Who were you apologizing to?" Just as he was about to answer, the female shouted,"COW!" Zitapulla dashed to a platinum looking orb, grabbed it with both hands and began steering, I guess? I could feel the craft was moving but the ride was almost still. All of the sudden, a thump! Zitapulla looked at the female and said,"Ahhh, Lucy you have some splainin' to do, cows don't wear glasses, we have to quit picking up fat humans!"

He looked through a triangular window in the floor and stuck two fingers in the orb and said,"There, back to Dairy Queen you go." As Zitapulla was arguing with Lucy, I stood up and had a fear come over me. I shouted," Are you going to stick a probe in my butt?" They all busted out laughing as Lucy squealed loudly,"No silly, we only do that to Neil Diamond fans!"

I had to laugh as they laughed with me. Zitapulla directed me back to the chair and told me that it wasn't safe to stand. He walked back to me and said," Just relax mon, we mean you no harm at all and we will take you home soon." I asked him,"Why did you abduct me then?" He pointed to his tiny ears and said," The music, we had to have this music mon." Then I, surely with a dumbfounded look on my face said," Tracy Chapman?"

Right then, the song,"Fast Car" began playing. All hell broke loose! They were running and dancing on the ceiling, the walls, in mid air and even the little chubby one that looked like Paul Williams was kickin' it hard! Zitapulla grabbed the orb and sunk all seven fingers in it. I cooooouuuld noooow feeeel theeeee speeeeeeeed! Lucy was hanging on to Zitapulla's shoulders and floating behind him.

When the song ended, so did the insanity. Zitapulla said, "Ooops!" With what breath I had left I asked,"What do you mean by ooops?" He kind of hung his head and said,"We are about 4 million kilometers away from where we picked you up." Just as I was about to pass out, he laughed and said, " No problemo mon, watch this!" He stuck his fingers in the orb again and all I can remember was a flash!

I woke up in my car and it was parked just outside my garage. I felt stunned and confused. I just sat there for a couple of minutes and gathered my senses. I flipped open the lid on the pizza box and steam rolled out. It was still hot. The Tracy Chapman song, "All That You Have Is Your Soul" was playing on the CD player. I mumbled to myself, " No more ham and peanuts Tom, no more!"

I shut the car off, grabbed the pizza and bread sticks and headed for the house. As I opened the door, my wife, Tammy, said "Wow, that was fast!"