Crandall the Tom cat was in such a mood that day. Reflecting back on his life....his human companion, Edwin....named him,Crandall, within ten minutes of bringing him home from the local pet shelter. When Crandall heard him give him that name...Crandall pissed on his computer chair. Edwin...smacked Crandall gently with a newspaper and shouted,"Crandall...I prepared you a perfectly good litter box....why did you wet on my chair...Crandall?"
Crandall softly growled a meeeeeoooowwww....meaning,"You tenacious fucking twit...what kind of cat name is Crandall...I'll never get a pussy with a name like that...what half witted pussy would meow......"oh Crandall...Crandall drive it harder Crandall...bend my tail you beast!".........He grimaced and thought," I want a name like,"Mitch, Jack, Thomas....I would even settle for Harry...but Crandall?....who in the hell names their cat...FUCKING....CRANDALL!
Crandall was walking through the alley one day when he stopped suddenly...a scent froze his nose in the air. Crandall thought,"Pussy...in heat....pussy in heat...pussy in fucking heat!" He took a slow step forward...peeked around the corner of the building and saw her....a slender, clean, hot white fur pussy cat. She was basking in the sun on top of a green garbage can lid.
She looked towards him and he pulled behind the corner quickly. He thought,"Damn...I think I know her...it's Mitsy......ah fuck...she knows my name...I met her last spring at Vet's office...my idiot..human companion..was going to have me fixed...it was a good thing he was wearing baggy shorts and I could reach his balls...three sharp swipes and we were on our way to his Vet He occasionally talks about taking me to be fixed again...I just roll on my back and show him my balls and claws...closes the fucking issue every time."
Crandall slowly stepped up and peeked around the corner of the building again. He saw another Tom cat...watched intensely with one eye and thought,"Oh great...it's Brutus...big black and yellow Brutus." Crandall eased to his belly...still watching...thinking,"That fucking Brutus gets all the pussies...just because he whipped three alley cats and ran off a fucking three legged Beagle dog...he...becomes a hometown hero!"....."I could whip three fucking Beagles and run off a Lion...with one fucking paw!....well OK...maybe I'm not that fierce but I did fuck up that Chihuahua who chewed on my toy...and..that alley cat I bit on the ear who made fun of my pink balls...I accidentally sat in a puddle Kool-Aid ...dammit!"
"Well that's just fucking great....she is raising her bottom to him",Crandall grumbled to himself......"Ha ha ah ha ahaaaa haaa...my dick is more than twice a big as his...big bad Brutus has a little boner...oh..oh..oh yeah....she sat back down....ha ah ha ha ha...she is ignoring him...Brutus aint gettin' no pussy...Brutus aint gettin' nooooo pussy.....oh yeah...now she's rolled over on her back...that's the big "NO PUSSY" sign....what the fuck....he is still moving in...how in the hell can he bite the back of her neck in that position?"
Crandall moved out a little so he could see better with both eyes. Crandall counted,"One hump...two humps...three humps...4,5,6,7,8,9....MEEEEEOOOOOUCH!....Oh my Bast (Egyptian cat goddess)...Brutus has bleeding balls!"....damn...she looks mad...ha ha ha ha...there goes bloody balls Brutus...what a fucking wuss!"
Crandall watched her lay back down on the warm green garbage can lid and thought,"Now's my chance...that pussy is mine!" He slowly walked from behind the building...stopped about five feet from her and said,"Well hi there gorgeous...haven't we met?" Mitsy looked over at him...saying,"You do look familiar...oh yes...your human companion ran out of the Vet...screaming...hmmm...I think it was....Crandall...no...Crandall..fuck...CRANDALL! Crandall thought,"Oh great...she knows my name."
Mitsy meowed sofly and said,"I like that name...it's cool and kind of sexy......want to fuck?" Crandall thought to himself,"What a whore...not even a couple of face rubs and swats of foreplay.....oh well." Mitsy stood up and Crandall climbed on....he was humping and she was screaming,"Oh Bast (the Egyptian Cat goddess)...oh Bast...OOOOOOH Baaaaaaaast! Crandall was biting her neck and humping hard! He screamed,"Meeeooow...wow....wow...wow!"
Mitsy collapsed on the garbage can lid ...groaned and trembled." Crandall shook his paws one at a time and proudly said,." Speechless huh...don't have to say a word...I already know...baby." Crandall turned slowly and walked away....he dare not hang around...just not the cool cat way. He could hear Mitsy breathing hard and wheezing as he slowly disappeared out of her sight.
Crandall made sure he was far enough away....he started high stepping and meowing like a Lion. Crandall was a happy cat. He even went home and rubbed against his human companion, Edwin's leg. He was so happy now to have the name, Crandall.
A few days later...Crandall was walking down the sidewalk and saw Mitsy laying in a yard with two other pussy cats. Crandall...with a Little bounce in his step...walked over and said,"Well...hello Mitsy...wanna sneak behind the tree and...you know?" Mitsy slowly stood up and screamed,"Fuck off Crandall...my asshole is still sore and I haven't taken a shit for three days...the next time you mount a pussy cat....remember...it's not just below the tail!" Poor Crandall was totally stunned! The other pussy cats laughed and called him, "Crap Happy Crandall".......he went home in total shame.
Crandall would sit on his porch...other cats would go by and snicker. Crandall would grumble,"Yeah...go ahead and make fun of me just because I...pardon the pun...slipped up...one time! Even though Crandall's first pussy experience was a little off...he was still proud of being so well endowed. Crandall rolled over on his back one day as two little boys walked by. One of the little boys shouted,"WOW...look at the dick on that cat! Crandall grinned....stretched out and laid in the warm sun....a totally content cat.
