Crandall gets Religion

Crandall the Tomcat was walking down the sidewalk when he noticed female cat he had never seen before in the neighborhood. Crandall was mesmerized by her tail swaying back and forth. Crandall thought,"That is a nice behind and I'm feeling a little chubby down below." He shook all four paws...one at a time and said,"Oh yeah baby...Crandall is going to fire up that little furnace!"

Crandall moved slowly then darted across the intersection towards her! Suddenly...screeching tires and horns blowing deafened Crandall! He stopped in his tracks as the front left tire of a truck came within an inch of his nose. The front left tire of a car was only a few feet away to his right. Crandall screamed,"Baaaaaaaaaasssssstttttt!"(Egyptian cat Goddess). Then he screamed,"Fuuuuuuuccccckkkk!" People in the car were cussing at him as Crandall lowered his tail and ran back to the sidewalk.

Crandall was breathing hard and shaking from the terrifying experience. He screamed at himself,"Crandall...you fucking idiot...you were almost a road kill catastrophe!" Lucy...an elderly pussycat came limping up and said,"Crandall...are you OK?" Crandall caught his breath and said,"Yeah...except for my whole life flashing before my eyes...I was chasing a pussy one minute and sniffing a fucking tire tread the next!" Crandall then sat down and said,"Fuck...I could have been killed!"

Lucy said,"Yes and you probably would have gone to Cat Hell." Crandall turned his head sideways and with a blank look...said,"What the fuck is Cat Hell?" Lucy said,"It's where bad cats go...they are tormented forever and ever!" Crandall chuckled and said,"Tormented...you mean like having to take baths and shit?" Lucy shook her head no slowly and said,"No...it's more like having to take a bath in FIRE!...no PLEASURES....no SEX...no NOTHING!"

Crandall jumped back and shouted,"Lucy...are you serious....how can I get out of going to Hell?" Lucy said,"Go talk to Gundie." Crandall said,"Gundie...who in the fuck is Gundie?" Lucy replied,"He is the wisest cat of all...he has direct conversations with Bast." Crandall said,"Wow...Bast herself?" Lucy said,"Yes...and only Bast can save you from the damnation of the feline flames."

Crandall got directions from Lucy to Gundie's house. Crandall climbed over the fence...jumped on top of a rusted out VW Micro Bus...then down in a yard full of flowers. The first thing Crandall noticed was a naked old woman watering some pot plants. Crandall shivered and said,"Damn...she could stand up and feed kittens on a short bucket!"

Just then he heard a voice,"Come my son...I can feel your troubles." Crandall looked and saw a hairless Sphinx cat sitting on a gold Frisbee. Crandall said,"You must be Gundie?" Gundie...with a monotone voice said,"Yes my son...I am he." Just then...a beautiful white Persian cat came out of the cat door saying,"My mate of mates....I'm off to collect the tithes from the south side." Gundie nodded and said,"Take Veronica and Sissy with you...there will be much to carry."

Crandall said with excitement,"Shit...what a gig....how can I be like you Gundie...you got pussies all over the place!" Gundie said,"You misunderstand my son....they are children of Bast...I have but one mate...it is the way to everlasting harmony." Crandall grinned and said,"Hmm...that sounds like human marriage...but...I want everlasting pieces."

Gundie blinked a few times and said,"If you wish to go to cat Heaven...you must obey the cat code of conduct and seek the wisdom of Bast."

Crandall thought for a moment and asked,"What is this cat code and what is cat Heaven." Gundie smiled slightly and said,"The cat code is to treat other cats as you treat yourself....cat Heaven is a place of eternal joy...your every wish will be granted."

Crandall grinned and said,"Where do I paw up?" Gundie smiled and said,"There is no pawing up my son...all you need to do is tithe a small portion of your food and select toys to the Church of Bast...and of course.... live a Bastian life.

Crandall left with a sense of being a new cat! He was going to find a life long mate and live the simple cat life that Bast had intended for him. First things first....Crandall found his favorite pussy cat, Mitsi and asked for her paw in mateage. Mitsi finally agreed when Crandall agreed to sex in private and she got first dibbs on fresh fish heads.

Crandall was walking the straight and narrow. He hadn't used the word,"Fuck" in three weeks! The church pussy cats would come and get a small portion of his cat food every Sunday and an occasional toy. When it came the day of the ceremony....Crandall had to convince Edwin or Rita...his human companions....with hints to give him a bath. Crandall was down to his last forced fart when Edwin swooped him up and headed for the sink.

Crandall was a few minutes late for the ceremony and Gundie was waiting on his golden Frisbee. There must have been at least fifty pussy cats there. Brutus was Crandall's best cat.

As Crandall stepped up beside Mitsy...Brutus whispered,"Damn Crandall...look at all the good stuff you are going to miss out on...this is like a packed pussy pullooza!"
Crandall tried to ignore him by staring at his beautiful future mate, Mitsi..... but Brutus was right....pussies were everywhere!

Gundie sat up on his golden Frisbee and said,"We are gathered here to witness the eternal union of Crandall and Mitsi." As Gundie went on...Crandall thought,"Eternal....eternal...eternal...getting hit by a truck and going to Hell is starting to look pretty fucking good right now!"

Gundie asked Mitsi,"Do you take this Tomcat to be your life long mate?" Mitsi smiled and said,"I do." Gundie then asked Crandall,"Do you take this Pussycat to be your life long mate?"

The only word Crandall heard was,"Pussy" in the entire sentence. Crandal nervously said,"I......I......I.....I.............I want pussy..........pussy...pussy...pussy....big, little, short, tall, fat, thin, good, bad, brown, white, black, red, yellow......even fucking bald...PUSSY! Crandall nudged Mitsy and said,"Don't worry baby...you still get first dibs on the fish heads."

Gundie pointed his paw at Crandall and screamed,"BACK SLIDER!" Crandall grinned and said,"Yip...and I am going to slide on as many pussycat backs as I can." Gundie shouted,"You will go to CAT HELL!" Crandall laughed and said,"No...I won't...the cat code says to treat other cats as you treat yourself."

Gundie angrily said,"I do not understand what you say?"

Crandall put his front paws on Mitsi's back from behind... grinned and said, "I already fed less fortunate alley cats before I met you...I gave my toys to kittens...I already observed the cat rule too."

Gundie shook his left paw.....stuck his nose in the air and said,"How so?"

Crandall started humping and said,"Be....cause....I....like...be..ing...trea....ted....with...pu..u...u...u...sssy!