From The Oak To The Guard


from the ABC set Stories

A man had heard from a friend of a friend of someone else that in the Town, down by the Boardwalk stands an abandoned Amusements. The fact that it's run-down isn't a surprise; everything along that Pier is, from the casino whose lights don't shine any more to the kiosks, benches and railings; fit to be props in an apocalyptic thriller. And standing might be too kind a word; a strong wind from that deep blue sea beside it would be enough to topple the old thing.

But what made the man's ears prick up when listening to the story from a friend of a friend of someone else was this line:

"And the strange thing is this my friends, a man stands guard at the entrance, day and night. Try to stay until he leaves and you will not succeed; as tiredness creeps quicker into the bones when blasted by the sea breeze, the lapping of the waves is hypnotic and the guard's stare mesmerizing, trance-like. Sleep is an inevitability, and when you wake to the salty air and seagull song, he will be there, still."

"It's a drugs-den," one person shouted.

"No, the government are using it" proclaimed another.

The friend of a friend of someone else just smiled as he left.

"Why not see for yourselves?" he shouted, from atop his horse, who, with a kick, galloped off.

The man was left rooted to the spot for hours, his legs heavy from the exhausting tale. He'd never been to the Town before and he had heard of great tragedies and terrible occurences there. His head told him not to venture that way, but something else said "GO!"

The man packed food for a month's trip, as well as a knife, a book and a small number of coins.

Setting off as the sun rose into place; he reached the grey oak which marked the end of the Forest. He'd barely been walking an hour. He'd never been passed this Tree before, except when he was seven and four boys pushed him beyond the boundary.

He closed his eyes and walked.

Open. Still alive. Turning back to the Forest, it seemed dark, forbidding; the trees tangling, grabbing for each other. It looked so sunny and peaceful when he had been in there.

It was necessary to go through the Town to reach the Pier. Walking briskly and with head down he could hear waves swishing and dock workers yelling in no time. He didn't look directly at anyone as he strode, but sensed them all staring at him. Fingers pointed his way and giggles of children made his face red hot. His eyes then began to water; he felt so stupid and walked quicker, comically even. He wanted to just reach the boardwalk and jump over, into the sea below and be done with this ridiculous trip.

But then he saw the old casino; all broken glass and holes. The concrete ended and his feet hit wood, the Pier.

Then he saw the Amusements. Windows were ever so dusty, bumper cars lay in a heap around the left side and a merry-go-round lay isolated to the right; one of the white horses pierced his glance. He quickly looked away.

And he saw the Guard.

True to the story he stood by the entrance. He wore a black suit. His face was covered in a thick, black beard and one eye was scarred through the middle: grey, deep.

Tired from his trip the man sat down on a kerb and ate some food. The Guard stared at him, or maybe he didn't, the man couldn't really tell. The waves were amazing, as predicted, he could watch them for hours, or the seagulls swooning overhead, around and around, in and out.

But "NO!" He must do this. Fighting back his drooping lids, the man rushed up to the entrance.

"May I enter?" he enquired.

"No," barked the Guard.

The man held out a handful of coins.
"Here, now can I enter?"

The Guard took the coins gratefully and said, "I told you, no."

"Here are my emotions," the man said.

The Guard took the man's emotions but again replied, "You still cannot enter."

The man, unable to feel anger or sadness at this, tried again, "Here is my intelligence."

The Guard, so happy to receive the intelligence, wept.

"So I can go inside!" the man said optimistically.

Roaring with uncontrollable laughter and feeling far superior to the little man, the Guard bellowed, "YOU DON'T GET IT DO YOU, YOU CAN'T ENTER!"

With nothing left to hinder the man he tried one last time. "Here is my soul, take it."

Accepting the man's soul the Guard turned and went into the Amusements, shutting the entrance behind him, bolting the door.

The man, drained and exhausted, fell to the ground. He could think of nothing. He fell asleep.

In the morning, he was woken by the Guard, who felt pity for the cold, lonely man. "Here, take back your things and leave, I can't bear to look at you, you pathetic excuse."

Getting to his feet, the man was extremely pleased when he got back his emotions, and he lambasted the Guard for leaving him in the cold all night. Getting back his intelligence he tried to reason with the Guard to let him even look in, from outside, but to no end. Taking back the coins meant little; but, getting back his soul the man's eyes lit up. His emotions took over and he laughed incessantly as his intelligence realised his feat, all to the sound of jingling coins in his pockets.

"What's so funny?" the Guard yelled after the man as he began his trek Home, "You'll never get in," screamed the Guard.

"Well, not again," whispered the man to himself, as he walked straight and purposefully, thinking of how to tell his People what he had seen.

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Comments

keleph | March 19, 2008 - 18:50

excellent allegory on the (empirical?) nature of the soul. modern take on "carbhach mac caba"? lol. it led the reader quite skillfuly to the end. while it was successfuly kafkaesque, perhaps a short introduction to the 'protagonist' would lend it more emotional colour. quite intelligent overall.

LawOfTheOne | March 19, 2008 - 19:44

definitely not a modern take on carbhach, god i hate that story. i only seem to be able to write stories thinking about kafka lately, damn his mystical genius!:) i'd like the reader to imagine the man as whoever they want, so i didnt describe him. thanks for the comment

Doeslittle | March 20, 2008 - 00:05

I like this very much. I particularly liked the style of the first half, it conjured up a sense of the 'fantastic' well. In the second half I felt that the style / tone changed into a more 'ordinary' narrative in places. Having said that, I thought it was a good piece and clever too. Equally, I wanted to comment, but it's difficult to explain what I mean about style and tone as I am an entirely amateur writer of poems and know nothing about short story writing other than as a reader. (It needs an edit for spelling etc I know, I know...It's like I can't help myself).

LawOfTheOne | March 20, 2008 - 05:01

Thanks for the comment, doeslittle. My vision of it did change as I went along. A sense of the fantastic, that's a great way to put it.

Spellings-the final frontier! :)

LawOfTheOne | March 20, 2008 - 05:15

Went through it with a finer than fine tooth comb.

As for the first half being magical and the second not, I guess it's because the man doesn't know the town well; it's strange and new to him and so is represented in a matter-of-fact way.

Hope that's clear. It is, it is.

I think.

tcook | March 20, 2008 - 15:32

I think that this could be very good indeed but it does need a lot of work.

The 'forest' bit is not needed. Spelling, grammar and punctuation all need attention. Go through it word by word and see which words are REALLY needed. Try and prune it right down but keep the sense.

It really is a good idea but it's all far too slapdash at the moment.

LawOfTheOne | March 20, 2008 - 16:20

Thanks for the response, but to be honest, I can't see any grammar, punctuation or spelling to be changed. I'm probably just being thick. Please point them out to me.

I think the forest bit is needed. It shows where the man comes from, that being somewhere strange, different, magical even, and it contrasts with the town.

The story of the man as a child shows how the inhabitants are unusual, and what a big decision it is for him to go into the town.

Thanks for the response. I'll take the ideas on board. :)

Foster (not verified) | March 20, 2008 - 18:08

"It's a drugs-den" one person shouted.

and

"No, the government are using it" proclaimed another.

should be like this:

"It's a drugs-den," one person shouted.

"No, the government are using it," proclaimed another.

This same type of error, plus some misspellings, persist throughout the piece and distract from an otherwise good story, if a bit wordy at times - take Tony's advice and prune it down just a tad.

LawOfTheOne | March 21, 2008 - 03:35

Thanks for the feedback tcook and foster. I went through it yet again!

Hope it's all clear now.

I pruned it down too, a word here, a sentence there, and it really helps overall. I know my stuff can get a bit wordy as you say foster, I'm just not strict enough with it. I realise now though to be precise, more accurate.

:)

tcook | March 21, 2008 - 13:07

Ok - some errors still there so here they are:

'a months trip' should be ' a month's trip'

'three boys threw him passed' - it doesn't mean anything - is it spelling or sense? I'm not sure. Do you mean 'three boys through him passed'. Literally? Are you sure? If so you need to explain a little.

'a merry-go-round lay isolated to the other' - what the hell does that mean?

you mix up tenses with 'one of the white horses piercing his glance' - it should be 'pierced'

'I can't bare to look at you' should be 'I can't bear to look at you'

'all-night' should not be hyphenated

The tightening has been very effective - and I've only spent all this time on it because I think it's worth it. Make the corrections and a cherry shall be yours!

LawOfTheOne | March 21, 2008 - 15:19

I've changed all the errors.

Thanks for taking the time, glad you thought it was worth it.

Hopefully now I won't make these mistakes again, so my writing can only improve.

Cheers, :)

Foster (not verified) | March 25, 2008 - 01:35

Loto, you take crit very well, which is a huge part of being a good writer. I'd say you're well on your way...

shoebox | March 25, 2008 - 19:58

I'm a bit dense so I don't get the ending quite, but it's certainly got quality and holds your interest. Great flavour. Makes me think of some of Ray Bradbury's stories I used to love in his October Country collection. Cheers

LawOfTheOne | March 28, 2008 - 18:02

Thanks Foster and Shoebox.

I didn't want it to be a pice to just get and that's it. My favourite short stories are ones by people like Kafka and Borges, stories that are possibly never able to be fully explained, just more and more interpretations drawn from them with each read.