We walked along the multi-coloured carpet
eyes down, concentrating hard
not to drop my large popcorn and supersize pepsi
I thought I was just going to see a film.
The lights had already dimmed
and trailers were rolling
my friends nudged and pushed me up the steps
"Get the very back".
Then I saw you.
Through the gloom and shadow
in the very corner
a lonely look-out
on the people below.
You saw me too, of this I'm sure
A beady eye darted my way
from under your long, straight, black grease.
We were so alike:
same age(roughly), same sex(male), same clothes(camouflage)
yet on either side of me
sat minds I knew
......You were alone.
The film begins but there's already a fictional work in my head
I've given you parents, a house, a room and tastes.
How can you move so little?
fingertips on your temples.
The cinematography is actualy quite good
but your noir outline
pushes everything from my head
end film! end!
Credits roll and you're up
whip lash down the red-lit steps
I grab my jacket and follow
"Hold your 'orses" my companions cry.
Against the grain of the multi-coloured carpet
you zip up a maroon coat and dig hands in deep
reaching the huge glass entrance you push out
turn of a corner and gone.
I'll never see you again.
On the way back to the car question marks fight for supremacy
Name? Age? Any friends? Any family? Any interests?
ANYTHING?
you were such a weirdo, outsider, single being
"Aahhh it's cold" a voice says beside me.
In the car
Shut, shut, shut
tears gather on my lids
ready to tickle my frost-biten cheeks
an epicentre of feeling in my chest
radiating pain all over.
"Whatcha think of it?"
as wheels set in motion
"Yeah" I stuttered
Nothing has ever made me feel as sad.
You are the loneliest person I have ever seen.
Comments
anipani | March 14, 2008 - 07:47
anipani
anipani | March 14, 2008 - 07:52
interesting piece, and it make me sad too, spoke to my inner teenager i think, battling in there with my inner child. what i want to know is, when does the inner adult hold sway? (Actualy i know that, teh adult grapples with the inner child and eht inner teenager every time, appears to take the weigth of the word, but it is always the other two that win. their voices are always more authentic to me. what does that say about me? and do youknow of a good a therapist!( they are the adults that pretend to know the inner child, but they don't, not really). Nice try, and a successful one methinks.
keleph | March 14, 2008 - 21:47
perfect last two lines, they are where the poem hit home the emotion. perhaps a couple of emotional metaphors/images would lend it more weight too? i like the way you introduce him, the pepsi etc. are forgotten when you see him. The one-liners are very effective in thier simplicity, i love poems like this, emotionally engaging, yet about everyday incidents.
LawOfTheOne | March 15, 2008 - 00:49
Thanks for the responses anipani and keleph.
Can't quite get my head around what you said there anipani, did you aks me something??
Yeah keleph it does lack a little weight but I just wanted to explain plainly what took place, I didn't want to betray the "moment".
liselise | April 10, 2008 - 10:18
Hello
Just came across this and I like it. Makes me want to know more.. and really want them to meet! It is very unpretentious and deceptively simple for apoem which is nice.
The only one bit i wasn't so keen on was the "long, straight, black grease" - not sure why but it jarred a bit for me, mainly cos I can't visualise long grease - even if i know you mean hair.
LawOfTheOne | June 7, 2008 - 23:13
Thanks for the comment liselise. I'm glad you thought it wasn't OTT, I was going for a down to earth approach. And I guess the hair is describe as it is because it was the person's standout feature.