Kiss from a Rose, Chapter 9, The List

9. Kiss from a Rose

As the days cascade into November, I find myself desperate to stand still. Every day spent with Rose is blissful, refreshing- I want to savour every moment with her. I’ve never been sure about a heaven, but I knew, without a doubt, that this was mine. Any previous thoughts I might have had about moving on are vanished- all I can see in my future is Rose.

It’s Friday- the week has gone fast. Too fast. Rose has booked cinema tickets, despite my protestations. Me, in a room full of humans, in the dark, has disaster written all over it. Standing in the queue, I try to put her off, but she’s stubborn, as always.

‘Jude, what is your problem? It will be fun and you will have a good time,’ she sings.

‘I just...why can’t we just stay in and watch a film?’ I sulk.

‘Well, why can’t we just go to the cinema and watch a film?’ she retorts.

‘Because...because the chairs are uncomfortable, and it’s... crowded.’ I trail off.

‘Oh for goodness sake, Jude! Not this again. I hate to break this to you, but people are kind of a necessary part of life- they’re everywhere. You can’t spend your whole life holed up because you like your own company so much!’

‘No,’ I say petulantly, ‘not my company- yours.’

‘Fine, mine, whatever, but you’ll still have my company in the cinema. So what’s the problem?’ she presses, eyes wide and indignant.

‘I suppose there isn’t one.’ I sulk.

‘Good. Besides, we’re here now.’ she smiles triumphantly. She knows she’s won; she always wins with me. I wonder if she knows that I would do anything for her, literally. If she knows I’d die all over again, for her.

‘Sweet or salted?’ she interrupts my thoughts.

‘Sorry?’

‘Popcorn- sweet or salted? Or both?’

‘Either- whatever you want.’ I reply earnestly.

She rolls her eyes at me, ‘You always say that. Fine, we’ll have salted.’

Rose pays the attendant and hands me the oversized box of popcorn. I don’t even like popcorn- why can’t I tell her that? I’m so desperate to impress her, to make her happy, that I can’t even tell her that.

As I mentally admire her, I notice the cinema attendant is ash white, with paranoid eyes. Looking around me, I now notice the people behind us have left a pretty sizeable distance, and they are all looking to the floor. As usual, Rose is completely oblivious to the situation. Unbelievable.

The cinema is clammy- and dark. A few people sit dotted around, but thankfully, it is not overly busy. I manage to drag Rose to an empty row of seats, making sure I sit by the wall, in case anyone comes to sit near us; I don’t want to cause any trouble.

During the adverts, everything is easy, normal. We can chat and laugh, I can obsess over her, while she remains beautifully unaware of my hungry eyes and my desperation for her to like me. It’s not until the film starts, when the silence dominates the room, that I feel a change.

I’m acutely aware that my arm is resting near hers, and suddenly the limb is clumsy, unattached to the rest of my body. My breathing becomes heavier, my palms sweat- I’m afraid to look at Rose. For the first time, I’m afraid to catch the green gaze- nerves dominate my entire body.

It’s a while before I muster the strength to even glance at her. And to my amazement, Rose’s position mimics mine. Her posture is tight and rigid; her eyes rooted to the screen. Could I possibly have the same effect on her? No, I reprimand myself, no human could love anything to do with death. It is in their nature to survive, to want to survive. But the way she is sitting, the way she won’t look at me- it makes me hope.

After a tortuous two hours, the credits finally roll. I breathe a heavy sigh of relief, and I think I see Rose do the same. Feeling more confident now the lights are on, I am able to talk to her again.

‘So, I’ll admit, that wasn’t that bad,’ I begin, ‘but it is stuffy in here.’

Rose seems stunned, for a moment. She doesn’t answer, instead staring at me with searching eyes.

‘Rose?’

Still she doesn’t answer. Her lips move, but no words come out. Oh god. She’s figured it out- she feels it now. This is fear- she’s afraid of me.

‘Rose- I... Rose, are you alright?’ I whisper.

She shivers briefly, then seems to recover her composure, ‘Yes, sorry- I just... it’s nothing. Let’s go home.’ Her voice is shaky and her hands tremble.

‘Rose?’ I say again.

‘It’s nothing- let’s go, please.’

With that, she roughly grabs her coat and leads off into the car park.

Walking home, conversation is strained. I try to talk about the film, but she gives me one word answers; I try to complain about the film, but that doesn’t work either. I feel hurt, embarrassed and unsure of our relationship- whatever that relationship is. As she walks silently beside me, I fear I am losing her forever, and that thought saddens me to my core.

When we reach her house, I prepare to say my goodbyes. This is it- I can feel it. She doesn’t want anything to do with me, with death. Desperate to remember every inch of her, I wait slightly behind her at the front door. I want to remember this last moment with her; I want to savour it, cling to it.

But what she does is wholly unexpected and shocking. She doesn’t go inside; she doesn’t leave me. Very suddenly, and yet very slowly it seems to me, she runs at me, into my arms. And I can feel her mouth on mine. It’s gentle, soft. It only lasts a moment, but it feels like a lifetime. And somehow it seems as if every moment of my existence since I died, has been meant for this moment.

As she pulls away, I find it hard to read her expression, and I can’t imagine what mine must look like. The green seems deeper than usual, more captivating, but also more cautious. And I realise that the change isn’t fear. It’s something else. And that something else made her kiss me.

Finally, she breaks the silence, ‘Jude, I... sorry.’ She’s smiling, shyly, and it makes me love her even more. Because it must be love, this feeling. I can’t think of another word to describe it, yet I cannot understand how it has happened to me.

Impulsively, I find myself wanting to kiss her this time, and somehow I muster the courage to do it. I’m nervous, and unsure of what to do; I’ve never kissed anyone before- not like this.

Tentatively, I move towards her and tilt my head. My breathing is agitated and impatient, my mind racing with doubts. As I reach her lips, warmth courses through my veins, and I’m convinced, however temporarily, that I’m human again- that I’m real.

Pulling away, Rose is still smiling. I’m freshly struck by how beautiful she is, and how much I want to stay with her forever. I couldn’t leave her now, I could never leave her.

‘Sorry,’ I mumble, feeling the need to explain myself, just as she did. We both laugh, embarrassed and intoxicated.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow?’ she says quietly.

‘Of course.’ I reply, desperate to prolong this moment.

‘Goodnight, Jude.’ she smiles, and her eyes maintain that inexplicable mixture of warmth and sadness I have come to know so well.

‘Goodnight.’ I whisper.

And then she’s gone, leaving me to finally give in to the trembling feeling in my knees and the shaking in my hands. I crouch down for a moment, putting my senses back together again, replaying the kiss over and over in my memory.