She was born a bald little lassie
Long and thin and ever so pretty
6 lbs and 8 oz if memory serves me well
She was slender and strong as gazelle.
She’d the yellow ochre of barley, Jaundice
Sat on my lap eyes so wondrous
She’d match with grace all those wild cowslips
I'd laugh! “I'd nicknamed her chips”
Because of the jaundice, but after
When; she finally came home with her mother.
I changed the name to “clothes peg”
As was right; even if bowleg...
She’d lie in the little red washing basket
Just if it were her Moses basket
Clothes peg suck, it was only proper
As we hung her out to quietly jabber.
Comments
insertponceyfre... | July 22, 2010 - 10:23
hi Mark, this is a lovely tender poem. I especially like the idiosyncratic detail -it's not full of the usual things you say about babies. Thank you for posting it
markbrown | July 22, 2010 - 11:51
I like this too, as the sentiment, the use of language and the unusual detail are spot on. But the scansion is, frankly, ugly. Read it out loud and you'll hear that it clunks all over the place. And the use of 'But after When' is just horrible.
This poem has all the makings of something truly excellent but it does need a lot more work.
trickymac | August 2, 2010 - 08:22
I can see the baby being brought home and the images are spot on. I think you have forced the language into the structure rather than just allowing it to say what it needs to. Keep working on it - it's definitely worth it.
Mark Heathcote | August 23, 2010 - 23:21
This is in its first draft and was written as a bit of fun for a challenge poem at; The Starlite cafe.
Which it duly won... http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/105/poem_91159824.html
I agree with all your comments and thank you for sharing your thoughts and will consider some more revision. Many thanks.