George Smith `Super-Hero`

George Smith’s super powers surfaced when he had reached the age of 11. He discovered them quite by accident.

George was small for his age, he had a shock of blonde hair of which his mother swore was sent to drive her mad, it could never be brushed straight, and also very strong glasses, as a result of being ridiculously short sighted.
All that and enough freckles to fill a small sink naturally made him an obvious target for the more unfriendly boys at Migginswallop High School, just outside of Chingford.

Enough of George’s biography let me explain how he discovered his exciting powers, or more accurately, power.

It all happened at first break, on the Monday of the second week, of the first term at Migginswallop High.

George, as usual, was skulking around the back of the Year Seven playground patrolling the fence like a prisoner on exercise duty; he liked to keep out of the way of the larger, more aggressive pupils who already had identified him as a potential target.

Stanley Fingerpie, who was the tallest boy in Year Seven, and had the tendency to charge around the playground like a small rhino, had spotted George and his nostrils had flared at the scent of schoolboy fear.
“ Oi, my esteemed and loyal pals let us retire to the furthest corner of this desolate wasteland and have some sport with the young Smith” Dear reader please don’t alarm yourself at Stanley’s strange use of very unschoolboy English, when very young he had consumed four old fashioned dictionaries and really, nothing could be done.
“What Stanley?”
“Oh, follow me!” said Stanley, mildly put out by his friends’ incomprehension.

George saw the happy schoolboys approaching and a cold sweat began to trickle down the back of his grey shirt.
“George, you illustrious pile of fermented maggots, how would you feel about a spot of bother?” Stanley’s smile wasn’t infectious.

“I’d rather not, I’m allergicated to them, said George who’s own vocabulary was equally strange due to his very nervous disposition.
“`Allergic`, you swamp turd!"
Stanley picked George up, which made George suddenly go very cross eyed, Stanley’s trousers then suddenly fell down, very fast, and for no apparent reason. He dropped George and shuffled off.
There we have it, George and his power, although it must be said at this point in our story, George was still quite unaware of his `gift`.

George was in Seven B (the B stood for `Beheading`, each form at Migginswallop High was named after the different ways you
could execute people), luckily for George, Stanley was in 7 H.

George’s form tutor was an angry old man who hated children and taught Maths which was a fearsome combination. Mr Shriek had a long white beard, but he wasn’t jolly, it was said a small animal lived in his beard but no one had ever seen it.

On the Wednesday of the same week as Stanley’s trouser incident, George had Mr Shriek for Maths, as he was also George’s Maths teacher as well as being his form tutor, lucky George.

It was Period three and Mr Shriek wasn’t happy.
“George Smith, are you a complete imbecile, 12 squared times 163 does not equal` I haven’t got a clue`, what is the excuse for your stupidity?”
George looked up at the red face of the evil `Santa-like` Mr Shriek and explained helpfully, “I didn’t eat all my `Cheerio’s` this morning Mr Shriek, that always affects the Maths side of my brain”.

The class went hysterical, Mr Shriek blew a gasket and George was confused, he’d actually meant what he’d said.
“You insolent boy! You rude, stupid boy, you...You…Oh my gosh, my trousers!” Mr Shriek was wearing Union Jack boxer shorts with a picture of Queen Victoria on them. He tripped over as he tried to exit the room at speed and squashed another unfortunate Year Seven boy, who had to be taken home with a severe nose bleed.

People were putting two and two together and making descending trousers, George was becoming infamous.
“`Ow d’ya do it George, you know, the trousers thing, it’s wicked, iss amazin’, you're weird!”

George had become a minor celebrity yet totally not able to comprehend why. So, trousers fell when people got angry, he didn’t know why it happened.

George had always wanted a quiet life; he was a serious young boy who was blessed with parents whose idea of fun was to inspect each other’s skin.
To say his parents were obsessed with the state of their skin was doing them a disservice; they had raised it to an art form. Every day George would be inspected by his mother and father like two chimps grooming their young.
“Ooh a bit scaly today George, have you put the toadstool jelly I recommended on it?”
“Oh mum! It smells like Grandma’s chicken soup and even you hate that!”

Consequently, George held the view that the world was a dangerous place that was best avoided, if possible. His preferred way of escape was to imagine he was floating in space, a bubble free of earth’s gravity, daft but understandable.

It was Friday of that week when things came to a real head, or should I say bottom!
School Assembly.
Migginswallop High had a state of the art video screen and sound system that had been donated to them by DJ `Butterz` a very successful rap artist who had been a pupil at Migginswollop High. Due to the success of his hit single “Kill yer Bitch” he had donated the video screen and equipment to the school for not revealing his GCSE results. He had achieved 11 A* at GCSE and was terrifically embarrassed about it.

During the assembly Year seven students were to receive their award for outstanding achievement. George was in line for `The most likely boy to have an accident award`, he was very proud.

The Headmaster Mr Stern was an ambitious and enthusiastic Head who was convinced he was a genius; therefore his school was obviously the finest in Chingford. It was up to the rest of the staff and pupils to maintain that illusion.
George was the last pupil to receive his prize that morning from Mr Stern.

George’s face filled the huge video screen. His parents would have been proud of his flawless and freckled face.
As the Headmaster began to hand him his gold-leaf certificate a fly landed on George’s nose. He became very cross-eyed. 1400 trousers, not including his own, immediately dropped speedily to the polished wooden floor.
It was pandemonium. It made history.
It got George expelled,
To be continued…