I like it
when
an unrequited love visits me
in my dreams
I get to hold her and that
even get
naked
with her
which is nice
but, we never
you know
actually do it
do the do
do the sex
that never happens
does it
the dream reflecting
life
I know it is a
dream
because I get to carry cars
as if they were
suitcases
and go on
impossible bus journeys
like in the movies
but not like that one
on the bus when the
bomb
went off if the bus went a
bit
slow
Comments
Margharita | January 25, 2008 - 01:53
I really liked the wistful tone of this, but I'm not sure about the final few lines of the last stanza. It made me smile but it felt as though the poem just sort of dropped away. Otherwise, I enjoyed it very much.
blackjack-davey | January 26, 2008 - 15:50
This is only a poem by virtue of it being broken up into stanzas and single line sentences - it could just as well be prose
The last verse was a bit like Private Eye's scribbler E J Thribb - it seems tacked on and not in keeping with the rest of the poem.
Ewan | January 27, 2008 - 09:35
'a bit like Private Eye's scribbler E J Thribb'
Well, yes... but I think it depends whether you believe the wistful/naive tone is a deliberate trope. I give the writer the benefit of the doubt myself.
Whether or no... you are a tough critic blackjack-davey.
martin_t | January 27, 2008 - 17:13
thanks for the comments, i haven't read private eye in years so have no idea who EJ Thribb is, as far as i'm concerned, anything can be a poem, and it's a bit short of wordage to be pure prose. I like single word lines, use them
quite
a
lot
Ewan | January 27, 2008 - 17:28
Yes, martin_t, I'm in your camp. I would go further: it's a poem because the writer says it is.
Regards Ewan
blackjack-davey | January 28, 2008 - 08:39
Single line words can be effective but can be overused to elicit an emotional response:
Lying in bed last night
Dreamt you clutched my
Balls so tight
Michael Barrymore said
'Alwight?'
Is anyone
ever
'alwight?'