US OPEN

[Flushing Meadows commentary studio– any time - any date]

F Scott Fitzgerald:
Welcome to the Valley of Ashes (pause) excuse me for a moment I must extinguish my cigarette

John McEnroe:
Turn down the god-damn jazz you asshole!

Scott Fitzgerald:
Never happened in my day

McEnroe:
That’s not the shot I would’ve played

[Cut to court. Doubles final between Barack Obama & Hilary Clinton and Reverend Terry Jones & Sarah Palin]

[Cut back to commentators]

Scott Fitzgerald:
My word! There’s a nig…coloured fellow out there

McEnroe:
Sure there’s a lot of power but precious little finesse

Scott Fitzgerald:
Never happened in my day

[Cut to court – Obama plays a cross-court winner]

McEnroe:
That’s the go-ahead for the Mosque

Scott Fitzgerald:
Never…

McEnroe:
The ball was in!!

[Cut to court]

Palin:
Referee that was wide of the mark

Clinton:
It’s not even that close

Palin:
Can I challenge it?

Referee (God):
It’s a good call

Terry Jones:
But you haven’t checked Hawkeye

God:
Oh ye of little faith!

Obama [Serving before the others are ready]:
Thirty-Love

God:
That’s my job

Palin:
You gonna let him get away with that?

God:
Mister Obama – serve another please

Jones:
Isn’t that what he’s hooing for?

Clinton [Taking the ball and serving wide]:
This is taking too long

God:
Fifteen-all

[Cut to commentators]

McEnroe:
Oops, the Middle-East peace talks are in trouble now

Scott Fitzgerald:
When do they stop for Cocktails?

[Cut to court]

Obama [Lobbing Jones]:
Burn that one!

Palin [Retrieving the lob behind Jones and watching Clinton smash into the net]:
Later

God:
Fifteen- thirty
[Cut to commentators]

McEnroe:
The President is in trouble now on his serve

Scott Fitzgerald [Nearly choking on a Gin-Rickey]:
The Negro’s President! Well…

McEnroe:
Don’t say it F, just don’t say it

[Cut to court]

Obama serves a soft ball to Palin which just creeps over the net and aces her]:

Obama:
Didn’t see that one coming

[Cut to Commentators]

Scott Fitzgerald:
Rather unsporting

McEnroe:
No – the Russians are okay now

Scott Fitzgerald:
Really? Aren’t they rather limited – musically anyway?

McEnroe:
Isn’t their classical stuff pretty good?

Scott Fitzgerald:
You’ve obviously never heard Shostakovich’s Jazz Suite.
[Cut to court]

Palin:
I need to change my racket
[She runs over to her bag and pulls out another racket. Inside there is a missile with a “Made in the USSR” logo on its side]
[Whispering]
One day they can have this one back

God:
Thirty-all [Calls Palin over to him]
I heard that

Palin:
Hey free will – no messing until Judgement Day

[Obama serves and Jones returns. Clinton intercepts and plays a winner at the net]

Clinton:
That’s the Third Way in action Bill

[Cut to Bill Clinton in crowd with huge smile on his face and patting a female head in his lap]

God:
Forty-thirty

[Cut to Commentators]

McEnroe:
Match-point; It looks like this administration will triumph against the odds

Scott Fitzgerald [Drunk]:
Are the Vanderbilts here yet?

[Obama serves to Palin. His first serve is wide. Palin begins to rub her leg as if in pain. Obama serves into the net]

God:
Deuce!

[Cut to Commentators]

McEnroe:
A little bit of sportsmanship there from Sarah reminding Obama about the Healthcare debacle.

[Obama aces the pastor]

McEnroe:
A successful withdrawal from Iraq

God:
Advantage Mr President

[Obama serves another rocket but Palin lobs it back]

McEnroe:
A successful withdrawal from Afghanistan?

[Clinton misses the smash]

McEnroe:
Uh oh! an unexpected new video from Osama Bin Laden

Scott Fitzgerald:
I’ve met him before you know, at Bertie’s.

McEnroe:
Bin Laden?

Scott Fitzgerald:
No, this rather splendid Pink chappie on my right

[Falls over]

[Obama serves; Jones returns; Clinton intercepts but Palin hooks it back; Obama tries to pass Jones down the line but he knocks it cross court where Clinton miss hits and the ball thwacks against the net cord and is propelled upward and hovers about ten feet above, perfectly equidistant between the players]

Palin:
Hey God – what’s your game?

God:
It ain’t tennis. This is going nowhere and I’m tired. Goodbye!

Obama:
And I could’ve swore God was with us.

Jones:
Looks like I picked the wrong side. Anyone got a Bible I can burn?

Clinton:
We’re okay – here comes the replacement

[Stephen Hawkins trundles in]

Hawkins:
Play

[Ball remains hovering above the net cord]

Palin:
How smart ass? God’s left the ball in mid-air

Hawkins:
There is no God

Clinton [pointing to ball]:
Well explain that.

Hawkins: There is no ball

[Night descends instantly]

Obama {From the darkness]: Bad light stops play

Hawkins: There is no light

[Hawkins begins reciting from his new book “The Grand Design”]