The first date

'It's hard to be this cool all the time' I say
taking off my sunglasses
kissing the girl I hope I'll marry on both cheeks.

I tell her that if anyone ever touches a hair on hear head
I will kill them and do a slashy throat mime
and then we order our starters.

I tell her I am lonely, that I spend most of my time
without any trousers on.
I tell her my ex has placed a restraining order

but some people just don't understand artists.
I tell her that when I am 50 it will be Thai bride after Thai bride
and until then it's just loads of shags.

I tell her she looks like the former Children's BBC presenter Josie D'Arby
who I write letters to.
'We'll have so much fun when we move into my mum and dads house'

I say, adjusting my baseball cap
to make sure she can see the Nike logo.
I start every date by saying 'I am very unhappy right now'

it lowers there expectations
and answers so many questions:
why is he single and 28, what is happening with his hair

why does he sit there and stare and stare and stare
and then down his drink and say 'drink?'
and she says yeah and I put both thumbs up

and call the barmaid sweetheart.