Red wine stains

You're probably wondering why there's blood on the staircase.

You're probably wondering why the house smells of salami.

why there's used condoms in the bin. Loads of condoms

why the bedsheets are on the washing line

why we've valeted both your cars

why there's a burnt mattress in the garden

why there's two people eating croissants at the breakfast bar. I don't know who they are either.

You're probably wondering why there's underwear in your bedroom. Sexy underwear.

You're probably wondering why there's swastikas on the wall. I'm pretty sure they were done ironically.

You're probably wondering why the windows are smashed in. From inside and out.

Why the clothes aren't in the wardrobes.

Why your bank statements have disappeared

Why a moustache has been felt tipped on the photograph on the next of tables, the smiling face of the little girl on a tricycle.

You're probably wondering why everything in your attic is now for sale on Ebay.

There’s probably a few things you won’t discover for months yet. Like the phone bill. Cigarette burns on the undersides of cushions.

You're probably wondering why your For Sale sign is chopped up for firewood, your armchair is chopped up for firewood and the dining table has been chopped up for firewood.

You're probably wondering where your passports are. Good luck in finding them. They're with a man called Abdul in a lorry heading to the Chunnel.

You'll probably hear about the police and the sniffer dogs. It's best your neighbours explain. I think one or two of them might have complained.

If it's any consolation we made sure we took out the recycling for the binmen this morning.
You have run out of binbags. Don't worry. We've bought you new ones.

And we bought you milk.

You're probably wondering where the marquee in the garden came from.

It's just that three years ago me and my friend Mark found a key in the street. And every day we've been walking down every road in town, trying the key in locks. I've been chased. I've spent nights in cells. And then yesterday afternoon I came here. When the door opened I texted Mark and said 'Mark, I've found it.' And Mark texted back to say 'I'm on my way. I've just bought some salami.'