There was a boy whose name was Jonah;
he was just a decade old.
His only possession were ploughshares,
of all the things in this world.
He also had clothes – straw-knitted shorts
and shirts; shoes are to be sold.
Him and his dad lived in a cardboard
box; they liked to call it, ‘Home’.
The council called it, ‘This you’ll afford’.
Shepherd-smirks added, ‘Shalom’.
They left in their freshly-pressed whipcord,
with haystack-hair neatly combed.
The boy with ploughshares and his father
were assigned to farming work;
ploughing fields of Sha Vu Ot cancer –
paid with dry breadcrumb Reichsmarks
and barely a teaspoon of water;
all thanks to David’s birthmark.
The boy ploughed the field and picked the weeds,
purifying the soil
by flooding it with Mein Kampf hayseeds
for them to reap the spoils
as the good-natured Swastika bleeds
yellow stars of turmoil...
Nathan Bednarek 2009.
Comments
MistakenMagic | April 3, 2009 - 18:17
This is a fabulous revision Nathan. I loved the original but this is definitely an improvement. Brilliant rhythm throughout with some striking images. Am I right in thinking you changed the boy's name to something more recognisedly biblical/Hebrew?
Magic xxx
Nathan Bednarek | April 3, 2009 - 18:32
Thank you Magic. Yes, I too feel this is now a little better. Changing the name was one of the first things I did, and yes, the main purpose for that was to give it more of the ‘Old Testament’ feeling.
Thanks again, your comments are always appreciated.
;-x
Silver Spun Sand | April 3, 2009 - 20:30
Nathan, although I enjoyed the original, this I feel is somewhat more focused, honed, for want of a better word. And I noticed the name change too.
It is a very significant poem in your collection and certainly one that is worth working on. You are indeed moulding this one to great shape. More power to your pen, is what I say;-)
Have a good weekend.
Tina x
Nathan Bednarek | April 3, 2009 - 20:38
Thank you Tina. I'm glad you like it and I will certainly keep improving my work.
A good weekend to you too.
;-)
Ewan | April 4, 2009 - 07:05
Why is the tense different in the second stanza?
Ewan
MistakenMagic | April 4, 2009 - 09:14
Ah Ewan is right Nathan! You might just want to go change that - don't jeopardise this poem doing well ;) Sorry I didn't pick up on that!
Magic xxx
Nathan Bednarek | April 4, 2009 - 11:48
Thanks for the hint. I just changed it. Hope it's better now.
Nathan.
jennifer | April 5, 2009 - 19:57
Superb 'word scattery' in the imagery, really makes you think and reassess below the surface,
J x
Nathan Bednarek | April 5, 2009 - 20:04
Thank you Jennifer. I'm glad you like this poem.
Richard L. Prov... | August 24, 2009 - 14:27
A very poignant poem, Nathan. It has the salt of truth mixed with a nice sauce covering a plate of rice in the memory of our lives. Richard LP
Nathan Bednarek | October 23, 2009 - 01:18
Cheers Richard! Much appreciated ;-)