How calm the choir of
Forest is;
How soft the snare of
Rain.
How cheeky the charm of
Shadow is,
leaving a cheeky stain.
How slick the silhouette of
Horizon is;
How wishing the whisper of
Wind,
wishing to whisper bliss.
How pointless the paths of
Life are,
if one does not walk them far...
Nathan Bednarek 2008.
Comments
Doeslittle | May 18, 2008 - 18:33
This is really promising again, but it needs some work on a couple of lines that detract enoromously from what otherwise would be a very nice poem. For me, it's primarily the use of 'cheeky' - it just doesn't work - it feels very out of tone with the rest of the piece. Also structurally you could neaten this up a bit, but my main concern is the word 'cheeky'! :)
Doeslittle | May 19, 2008 - 23:07
And I meant to say how very, very good these lines were...'How calm the choir of forest is; How soft the snare of rain.'. Brilliant lines.