"A letter to Eros"

This is the best poem of yours that I've read. You might want to take out the 'and's in line one or at least, the final one. Now, don't be offended, but can't you go back and find more imaginative words than...dim, grey, colourful? Because the idea is here, the basis for a good poem is here, I just think it could be a bit richer in its language and needs the odd tweak like the over -'and' use (in my opinion)...Hope it's ok to have made these suggestions, I just thought this was quite promising.

I agree with doeslittle about finding more imaginative words. This poem has real potential, a bit more thought into describing his greyness and their colour would really lift it.

I loved this line: "They watch a movie
and then don’t remember the plot." It says such a lot, and in an original way. More of this please.

Chelsey

I really liked this too. I can see where the criticism is coming from and I would change one or two words. But don't tamper too much because it has a fantastic simpleness and normality to it. Sometimes poems can be overdone(hey pot, its kettle) and the meaning and focus is lost. Nice work!

Thank you so much for your comments and I must admit that you're right. I also have to plead guilty for the lack of more imaginative descriptive words. I think it’s due to a tendency to rely on the meaning of the poem too much, and therefore I forget to apply a more unique structure of language. Again, thank you for your comments. I will make adjustments as soon as I find a free evening and I can promise that I will focus on the language features more from now on.
Please give me more comments on the other poems. They’re very helpful to me.
Nathan.

I like the 'ands' in line one - they give it a rhythmn but I do agree with the change in imaginative, descriptive words.

A cherry awaits.

Ok, here are the changes. I didn’t get rid of the extra ‘and’ in the first line of the poem. ‘Tcook’ commented that it gives it a rhythm, and quite frankly I agree, so I left it in. However, I have changed the word ‘dim’ in line 1 of stanza 2. It became ‘half-asleep horizon light’. I think this compliments the atmosphere between ‘them’, and it also emphasises the last line of stanza 2 ‘and all else fades quietly’. It creates a landscape for the ‘world’ they are drifting away to, like to a dreamy sunset. Secondly, I have changed the words ‘grey’ and ‘colourful’ in the fisrt two lines of the last stanza to ‘storm-cloud’ and ‘sounds of spring’. I think there is a sense of two parallel, yet different moods. ‘I sit alone in my storm-cloud silence’ reveals a slightly more ironic side of my attitude. The words ‘storm’ and ‘silence’ almost cancel each other out, as usually they can’t co-exist. This emphasises the fact that the sounds I hear are spring-like, and the ‘countless drops of rain’ are meant to be positive in ‘their’ case, whereas my ‘stormy’ mood is negative, which emphasises the sense of bitterness and sadness towards the sounds I’m listening to, ‘...a rainbow, which drifts away to the distance’. What do you think?

Much better. Think you still need to watch use of rainbows, spring, rain drops, storm clouds etc - they can seem cliched if not used with originality. Though this is an entirely subjective point as I bore easily if I think that not enough thought has gone in to using language. Like it much more now though. It should get a cherry from the cherry person I reckon.
Back to what you mentioned though about not paying attention to use of language - I think it's equal in importance to meaning - afterall, you won't get your meaning across effectively if the language doesn't convey what you want to get across well, even if it's as simple as the language being too dull to make anyone want to read it....so yes meaning, but then language must be your tool or weapon even! to get it across.

Have I wittered on enough in a teachery way? Good, yes, it appears I have. :)

Haha actually, Doeslittle, your 'teachery way' is what helped me to improve this poem, and also the comments from others of course... ;-) As for the use of 'weather' as imagery, I thought it was a good tool to thicken the wall between the 'two rooms'. Both types of weather, whether nice or... the sort you get in London, emphasised 'my' deep bitterness.
Again, thank you so much for your purely friendly and useful comments. I can tell you that I really DO take notice of the language and structure in my poems more than I used to. Soon, I'll have more poems for you to look at... ;-p

Nathan.

L.Deveney

I love this piece nathan, i think you definatley have a talent and a style.. in other words i can read your poems and they all sound like you have wrote them, if you know what i mean, and that is a great consistancy to have, keep up the good work, your title's and ideas for poems is outstanding, "a letter to eros" bloody brilliant :),

;-) thanks L. Yes, I think it's very important to keep developing your own style and to train your 'voice' so that you may reach that creative maturity. I'm glad my work appeals to you. Thanks again.

Nathan.