“Slithering”

Nathan, I am impressed with this poem. It has a sinister air, but must admit, I maybe have not gleaned the essence of it and would really appreciate the answers to some of the clues;-(Although I love, crosswords, I am useless at them)

To be honest,I did find the punctuation off-putting, and have dared to venture my own suggestions, as below. Please, please tell me if I have stepped out of line ... And in which case, I apologise in advance.

This piece certainly bears your hallmark, Nathan. And that, in itself, is quite something.

Tina x

My suggestions as follows:-

It slithers thorugh the blinds,
reduced to shredded wheat
and fly-trapped on the wall.

The all-seeing eye sneaks
a peak into my room ...
enjambed onto the hall,
where my room and She'ol meet.

I look over my shoulder
and at the pecan strips;
sizzle, butter, sizzle.

I plate up onion serpents.
I devour the calf's head
and a shredded side salad,
all under the watchful eye
and under its furrowed brow.

It slithers through the blinds
and it sizzles on the wall -
meets She 'ol down in the hall
and bribes me out of sentence.
A buttery, striped serpent's head

is crushed. It is finished.

A 'peek' if you mean a surreptitious, brief look. 'Peak' is ok if you mean the things you want in your beaten egg-white when making meringues. (Unless this is a North American usage of which I am unaware?)

Not sure about Magic's suspense points in stanza two of her re-edit.

An interesting and thought provoking poem. Great to see someone use She'ol in a poem.

Ewan

Well Tina it appears you've stolen my identity ;) I thought I was loosing my marbles decades too soon when I saw Ewan's comment thinking....I'm sure I haven't commented on this one yet... :p

I have to admit the punctuation did put me off as well - though maybe it serves a specific purpose? I think you might have to explain the poem to me - maybe I'm just having a blonde moment and it's really obvious!

Yes, Ewan is right it should be 'peek' - though I liked the image of a mountain sliding into the room!

It is still an excellent and original poem and I particularly liked the lines;

It slithers through the blinds –
reduced to shredded wheat
and fly-trapped on the wall –

Magic xxxx

Oops!

Red faced apology issued.

Yey for meringues! Superb poem, I agree that the punctuation is odd but the poem itself is superb.

Love the ambiguity of:

'and bribes me out of sentence' - words or prison! great!

J x

Wow. Thank you all for your amazing comments!

Ewan, I apologise for my silly little mistake. I’ve changed it to what it should be, ‘peek’. Thanks for your comment and I’m glad you liked the poem.

Tina and Magic, thank you both for your comments and advice. I’ve made the changes and I will now explain them along with the meaning of the poem.

Firstly, the punctuation. Yes, I can see why it was distracting and in some places inaccurate. I’ve made the changes now and I think it reads better. The reason why I used the dashes before was to visually represent the ‘peeking eye’ as it slides through the blinds, but I guess the image alone is strong enough and I don’t need all the dashes.

The first stanza simply represents the rays of the sun sliding through the blinds, but there is more meaning to it of course, spiritual meaning.
I have to agree with Ewan about the second stanza. The ellipsis is a bit distracting in my opinion. I also left the first stanza pretty much as it was, except the punctuation, but used enjambment in the second stanza to emphasise the ‘enjambed’ line. I did this because of the word ‘She’ol’. She’ol is another name for Hades, or Death. I used enjambment to visualise the fact that Death is separate to ‘my room’, or Life, but also connected in this world, ‘where my room and She’ol meet’.
This also represents the wisdom of the ‘all-seeing eye’, or God. He takes a brief look at my life and He already notices the connection to ‘She’ol’. The rays of the sun are ‘enjambed’ onto the hall in order to give some light in a dark passageway, the ‘hall’. Hope.

‘I look over my shoulder
and at the pecan strips.
Sizzle, butter, sizzle -’

This stanza is difficult, I know. The key to this stanza is the word ‘pecan’. It’s a nut, but it is also a colour that you can paint your room with. The ‘strips’ are again the rays of the sun. When the ‘all-seeing eye’ peeks, it leaves ‘strips’ on the wall. ‘Pecan’ represents my life. The colour of it, the taste of it and it also looks like a nut trapped in a ‘pecan’ shell. When God peeks, he shreds this life to pieces, ‘strips’, but this doesn’t mean anything negative. He is giving me an opportunity to change, to take my life and make it better, but that will take some drastic measures.

‘Sizzle, butter, sizzle -’

I literally take my life and ‘fry’ it. I take my life along with the ‘onion serpents’, or Satan and his demons, and the ‘calf’s head’, or false idols, and the ‘shredded side salad’, or all the other additional things that formed my life. I take these things and I ‘devour’ them. I destroy these things. I am reshaping my life ‘all under the watchful eye / and under its furrowed brow.’

‘It slithers through the blinds
and it sizzles on the wall –’

God comes in again, and HE is my life now, sizzling on the wall, shaping it, giving it a new colour. He then

‘meets with She’ol (death) in the hall
and bribes me out of sentence.’

This represents God giving his Son, Jesus, as a ‘bribe’, a ransom for my sins to save me from death, literal and spiritual.

‘A buttery, striped serpent’s head’

This partially represents my old life again. However, it is mainly a reference to the very first prophecy in the Bible.

‘And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.’ Genesis 3:15.

This prophecy was fulfilled when Jesus gave his life for mankind. The ‘...serpent’s head / is crushed.’

In John 19:30 Jesus’ last words are, ‘It is finished.’ Hence, the quotation marks.

I hope this explains the poem and I hope you will like the updated version better. Thank for all your help everyone!

Nathan.

Thanks Jen, you're a gem ;-D

Wow!! I would have thought the poem good enough to stand on its own 2 feet but thanks to your explanation Nathan, it becomes something extraordinary! This is unreal and really FAR to clever for me to have deciphered on my own. I am clearly lacking in either academic or spiritual learning to even attempt reaching the conclusions that were aimed at. So glad that you went to the trouble Nathan; thanks again and again...WOW!

Chris

Thanks Chris. I really value your opinion, so I'm glad you like it this much.

I am sure you're not lacking academic or spiritual learning ;-p

Thanks again.

I see what you mean, Nathan, about the punctuation before. A very clever idea - which is obviously why I didn't twig it:-)

I do think the poem works very well now, not that it didn't before, but I guess it has much more universal appeal now, for plebs like me.

Much appreciate your in-depth explanation and shall read it again when I have done a spot of gardening. There is much to absorb, as there is in your excellent poem.

Tina x

Thanks Tina. Your comments are always very important to me.

xox

Imagination is wonderful, Nathan, and yours is right up front. I especially enjoyed: "and bribes me out of sentence." Yes, writing is fun, and fantasy is funner. Richard LP

I couldn't have put it better myself! Cheers Richard!