He is given the baby to hold
in his strong arms;
he remembers all he’s been told –
how a newborn disarms
a man’s heart; how a man begins to unfold
and untie the strings of fatherhood and
how his eyes are transfixed upon the life he carries –
a life no bigger than his own hands.
He remembers all they’ve shared,
but knows that one thing was left unsaid.
He holds the baby in his arms and he’s scared.
His arms begin to tremble with dread,
so he lays the baby softly
on his chest, where
it can sleep in safety,
close to his heart, not in midair.
The baby breathes calmly;
the man sheds a fatherly tear...
Nathan Bednarek 2008.
Comments
sabital | July 3, 2008 - 05:51
So very accurate.
Caldwell | July 3, 2008 - 13:16
I wonder what that unsaid thing was? Perhaps he knows that the baby isn't his, but he's resolved to be the father without question? It's an interesting one this. Lots to think about and that moment of holding a newborn for the first time very well captured.
Nathan Bednarek | July 3, 2008 - 13:54
Wow, thank you for your comments. It's nice to get some really positive feedback.
By the way, the 'unsaid thing' will have to remain a mystery... 'cause I won't tell you... ;-)
Doeslittle | July 3, 2008 - 17:04
I love the first two stanzas, but the second two seem to lose the quality of the first two. And I think the first two are brilliantly written. Maybe you could work on the second two or cut them?
Nathan Bednarek | July 3, 2008 - 21:14
I definitely can't cut the last two stanzas because they have a lot to do with the first two, and the meaning of the poem would be too simple if I did cut them.
Thank you for your comment Doeslittle, but in this particular poem you should focus more on the hidden message, but I agrree that the quality can certainly be improved. I'll do my best with a bit of spare time. Thanks.
Doeslittle | July 3, 2008 - 21:34
Maybe you could make more of the hidden message then as I'm not sure there's enough clues to focus on. It's possible I'm just a bit thick though too.
Nathan Bednarek | July 3, 2008 - 23:26
Nah, how can you be thick if you helped me with the other poems so much?! However, I think that if you treat the last two stanzas (especially the very last one) as a metaphor then you should figure it out. A hidden message doesn't have to be set out as separate clues in a poem for it to be understood- the hidden message can be the WHOLE poem itself.
theharper | October 19, 2008 - 21:23
Don't explain the hidden meaning, no matter what anyone says! There's so much worth in ambiguity. It keeps the reader in the mindset of the characters, not knowing what could be said. That's how you draw the audience in.
Having read several of your poems, I've got just one tip. Try breaking out of your rhymes a more. A lot of the words you use are very commonly paired up, so I can often predict what you're going to say. Explore a bit. Find the obvious rhyme and move away from it. Draw out unusual words for unusual rhymes. Think about complimentary sounds, the emotions in certain vowels or consonants.
Nathan Bednarek | October 22, 2008 - 09:31
Wow, what a comment! Thanks a lot. I promise I'll remember your advice when writing the next piece. Thanks very much, comments like this one help us 'teenage writers' very much ;-)