I’m standing by the cooker chopping up some mushrooms,
the carrots a jacuzzi on a low-to-middle flame
which took me six or seven futile safety matches
pondering the Khalistani independence claim,
when all at once he bursts from out the microwave,
a row of windmills on his back and biscuits round his eyes,
whacking my posterior with his mighty trunk
and roaring. Heaven help us, it’s the Elephant of Surprise!
I’m strolling through the park admiring all the toadstools,
the August heat partitioned by an intermittent zephyr.
A ginger family are sailing on the pond,
behind them are some horses and an udder-gobbling heifer.
But hang on! What’s that squatting in the chestnut tree,
a tiny plastic bushy tail strapped on between its thighs,
jumping on my head and spanking my behind
with its beefy trunk? Good Lord, the Elephant of Surprise!
Behind a cellar door are microphones and fungi
and those of arty temperament who climb a poky rostrum,
lavishing upon the crowd a language riot.
But who’s this getting up now in a Rudyard Kipling costume,
spraying sparkling orangeade at everyone?
Oh, look, he smacks my buttocks with his trunk of awesome size
again. I tell him, “For Ganesh’s sake, just quit.
I’m bored out of my skull with the Elephant of Surprise.”
Comments
Mangone | May 5, 2009 - 14:30
As a life long Ganesh worshipper and confirmed ginger beer addict I must protest at this depraved attack on Rudyard Kipling whose pies have kept us from starvation these many years!
SundaysChild | May 5, 2009 - 16:15
I like this poem.
What's with your name?!
chuck | May 5, 2009 - 16:21
Got your attention didn't it? Good poem too.
NaziWifebeater | May 6, 2009 - 08:05
Thankyou for your comments, gutes Volk. I'm assuming you're all good Aryans.
What's with the name? I am indeed a Nazi wife-beater, scourge of all decent clean-minded liberals.
Ganesh-worshipping is of course valid, as Hinduism is an Aryan religion, and the Sri Lankans are doing a great job at the moment of wiping out the Tamil independence movement. It's a joy to behold.
This poem was written in poulter's measure, a form which Queen Elizabeth the First championed. She was a great lady, but if I'd been married to her I'd have kept her in check, don't you worry about that.
Mangone | May 6, 2009 - 08:38
I've had a word with your local elephant and he's agreed to give your wife lessons in Pakiderm Passion the ancient, secret, Hindu martial Art.
So, I expect you're in for yet another surprise next time you beat your wife :)
For you I'd like to recommend the ancient Taoist Marital Art of Fu King... it's far superior to the Aryan art of Wan King!
With luck you might discover a new, more enjoyable, beat for an old song ;0)
NaziWifebeater | May 6, 2009 - 08:49
Pakiderm Passion? I suspect you may have made that up. You do sound like an awful, frightful racist. Any liberals reading this won't bother commenting on your work anymore. Humph!
SundaysChild | May 6, 2009 - 14:58
Its very good indeed. Thanks for your explanation re your name lol...it just really caught my attention, and I'm the curious type.
NaziWifebeater | May 6, 2009 - 20:41
Ta very much, Sonntagskind. I'm the curious type too, though I've only just got Mangone's Rudyard Kipling/pie reference.
The Jungle Book is indeed exceedingly good.
Dynamaso | May 7, 2009 - 00:40
I like anything to do with Elephants. Or fungi of any sort. Or booty-smacking. Combining all three elements in poetic form is sheer genius. Or very clever, at the least.
Ewan | May 7, 2009 - 06:10
I thought it was exceptionally good too. There, that proved you wrong, didn't it?
NaziWifebeater | May 7, 2009 - 09:20
Tar muchly and ting for your comments, gentlemen. I can't remember now why I decided to refer to fungi in every stanza of this poem. It must have just been the whimsy of a simple humble Nazi wife-beater.
Beeme | May 12, 2009 - 17:39
nice poem, but you do realise that the nazi's lost the war (: (for a reason?)
Silver Spun Sand | May 12, 2009 - 17:45
Guten Abend, Herr NWB.
Great pome:-) I've always had a 'thing' for elephants.
NaziWifebeater | May 12, 2009 - 21:48
Vielen Dank for your comments. I've always had a thing for elephants too. But then, I am rather strange.
threeleafshamrock | May 26, 2009 - 11:29
unusual and enjoyable; a breath of fresh air, just wondering what 'Fungi' the dolphin was doing behind the door with microphones? Ah well, all's well that ends with an elephant!
Chris ;)