Just Once

Just Once

It’s a strange country, that place between life and death and Harriet hung there, hurting. For a moment her eyes flickered open, her unfocussed gaze rested on the ceiling, the bedside cabinet, the woman.

“Mum?”

The word made her mind itch. She was so tired. There was so much pain, even the air in her lungs stung. But she had to hang on.

“She’s fading.”

Damn right she was fading. She could feel her body giving in; everything slowing; nothing felt right. She floated in a pool of morphine-induced peace watching her body fail with a mind that shone brightly.

“Hello,” said the voice. In her mind she turned to see the figure standing just at the limit of her vision.

“Hello,” she replied.

“Are you ready to go?”

“No.”

“Ok.”

“Is that it?”

“If you say so.”

“I thought it would be harder than that.”

“No, not at all. Just let me know.”

Harriet opened her eyes and slowly focussed on the bowed head of her daughter.

“Jess?” The word stumbled in her throat. The head came up.

“Mum?”

“Richard?”

“No Mum, not yet. Would you like a sip of water?” Harriet sighed and let her eyes close again feeling the warm trickle of tears on her face.

“Mum? I’m sure that he’s on his way.” A soft touch on her face, Harriet struggled to reply but this time the words failed.

“You ready yet?” The voice was back.

“No, stop asking, I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

“Okay, okay.”

“You’re so impatient.”

“Occupational hazard I’m afraid.”

“I suppose you like your job?”

“It’s not bad. I get to meet lots of people.”

“That’s nice.” In her mind the figure was becoming clearer. He was tall, dark, and vaguely familiar.

“I’ll be back then.”

Harriet smiled to herself. “Ok, Arnie.”

“What?”

“Nevermind, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“No.”

The figure seemed to shrug. “What are you waiting for?”

“Richard.”

“Why?”

“Because he said he’d come.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“He will. Oh that hurts, what in hell are they doing now?”

“Let it go, Harriet.”

“Not yet.”

The doctor looked at Harriet’s test results in disbelief. There was no way that she should be alive with bloods like that; the levels were off the scale.

“I don’t know how you’re keeping this up,” Dr Grayson said to Harriet gently putting his fingers to her wrist. The pulse was thready under his touch. He studied the pale face and listened to the laboured breathing.

“Harriet, old girl, you’ve had that bed long enough.”

“He’s the devil that one.” Harriet told Arnie.

“No, he’s trying to help you.”

“You think? He wants me gone.”

“There’s very little he can do for you now.”

“Don’t!”

“And he gets money if you die on his shift, you know.”

“He’s trying to bump me off? Mercenary bas…”

“Not at all, just saying that’s all.”

“You want me to give up, don’t you?”

“I want to see the end of your suffering. I want you to come with me. As it goes he’s a nice chap. He could do with the ash cash.”

“Good god!”

“Uh huh.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Well, slight exaggeration perhaps.”

“Who are you, Arnie? I’m not going anywhere with someone I don’t know.”

“Oh, Harriet.”

“Don’t “oh Harriet” me.”

“Ok, I’m sorry. Let’s say that I’m not the top man I’m just one of the minions. ”

“I’m frightened, Arnie.”

“Yes, I know.”

Jess looked out of the room window. From there she could see into the wards opposite, beds empty and occupied. She could hardly bear to look at the bed in the room where she stood. She was tired of the smell, disinfectant and dying. She rested her head against the glass and closed her eyes. She wanted someone to hold her, to see her though this terrible time. Watching her mother die was the worst thing ever. She wished her well again, she wished it over.

She heard the room door open behind her but didn’t turn to see who it was.

“Jess?”

“Ah, you made it then.” She shook her head slowly.

“Don’t start; it’s a long way from Canada.”

“Yes, it takes a week by plane.”

“Don’t be like that.” Jess turned to face her brother who was standing on the other side of the bed. The pain and anguish of the past days were etched on her face. She saw the pity in his gaze and wanted to hit him.

“You were almost too late, she’s hardly breathing.”

Richard sat down on the hard chair and took Harriet’s hand.

“She was waiting for you.”

Harriet stirred. Suddenly she could feel all the pain in her body and she gasped for breath.

“Mum?” Richard leaned over the bed. Harriet opened her eyes and saw the blurred outline of her son. She could feel the words forming in her throat.

“Thank you for coming. I couldn’t leave without seeing you; I wish you’d never gone away, it was so far.” But no sound came. He floated into focus. A moment of crystal clear clarity then…

“Come now.” The voice pulled her back into herself.

“No!”

“Harriet!”

“Please, no.”

“Come.” In her mind the figure held out his hand. “It’s time.” She took the hand and felt the pain disappear.

“I’m coming. I’m glad I only have to do this once.”

“Yes, just once.”

“Do you think they’ll be alright?” Harriet asked.

“I’m sure they will. Look they haven’t opened the window yet, we just have to stay here for a moment.”

Harriet looked down at her two children and her heart went out to them. They were talking quietly. Harriet didn't want to hear what they were saying; there was no point in getting involved. Richard moved towards the window.

“I think I’ll just let some air in.”

“Here we go,” said Arnie into Harriet’s ear. “Say goodbye.”

“Already done.”

“Good, come now.” And they were gone.