Internet Dating for Seniors on Match.com

Sam strummed his fingers nervously on the tabletop and glanced at his watch for the umpteenth time. Maude was late. She should have been there ten minutes ago.

Was it possible she was standing him up?

What a disaster that would be! On his first date in over fifty years!

Mentally, he reviewed the emails they had exchanged, wondering if he could have presented himself better. He had mentioned all of his assets, even exaggerating a bit: financially stable, healthy, intelligent, athletic. Most of it was true, except for the athletic part. He had said he worked out three times a week but actually he rarely exercised. He had lied about his age, too. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize most women don’t want to date an eighty-year-old man. The reality was that nearly all men were old at that age. But he was not old. Everyone agreed he seemed younger than his years. Well, almost everyone. He had considered shaving five years off his age but finally settled on ten. If you were going to be hanged as a horse thief why only steal one?

He wondered if Maude looked like her picture.

He had taken great pains to assure his photo was flattering. Since none of his recent pictures did him justice and he hadn’t wanted to spend money to hire a photographer he had experimented with his digital camera until he learned how to use the timer to do a self-portrait. He didn’t have a tripod so he had set up an old ladder in the back yard and put the camera at the correct height. It had been a simple matter to press the button on the camera and then step back before the camera snapped the picture. He had experimented with lots of different poses before settling on the one that made him look best and then had touched it up on the computer with Photoshop. He thought it had turned out pretty darn good, too. He didn’t look a day over seventy. In his opinion.

He glanced at his watch again. She was fifteen minutes late.

When he looked up, he saw a woman approaching. She looked vaguely like the photo of Maude but a bit older. Maude has said she was sixty-five. This woman must be in her seventies. At least. Maybe as old as him.

“Are you Sam?” She plunked herself into the empty chair beside him. “I’m Maude. Sorry to be late.”

Sam nodded and forced a smile. It wouldn’t be cool to show his disappointment.

“What a day. First the toilet plugged up and then I had trouble starting the car.” Maude sighed wearily.

“Did you get them fixed?”

“Finally. Darn near wore myself out with the plunger.” She beckoned for the waiter and ordered a Skinny Latte. While he was getting it, she studied Sam critically. “So you are Sam?”

Sam nodded.

“You are a widower and you are seventy years old?”

He nodded again.

She continued her scrutiny. “Some people lie about their age, you know.” she said finally. They lie about other things, too.” Her eyes were a question mark.

Sam maintained a resolute silence.

“How much do you know about me?” Maude continued.

“Not much.”

“You know that I have been a widow for five years?”

“It was in your profile.”

“So you know that I can take care of myself. I don’t let anyone take advantage of me.”

“That’s the last thing I want to do,” Sam protested. He looked her over carefully. She really wasn’t bad looking, he thought, except for the wrinkles above her upper lip. He tried to sneak a peek at her breasts without being too obvious. They were large and the low-cut blouse she wore accented her cleavage. Obviously that was the reason she had chosen the blouse. Her breasts were impressive.

Maude talked for a long time, explaining in detail the illness that had caused her husband’s death and her relationship with their children. When she finally finished, it was Sam’s turn. He told her of his fifty-year marriage, his wife’s death, and his relationship with their children but intentionally kept it brief. When he first started dating he wanted to be successful so he had gone on the Internet and googled “how to attract older women”. One of the suggestions was to limit your explanations of family and what a good provider you had been because older women simply weren’t interested. It was also suggested you tell her how attractive she is; praise her achievements; and seek similar interests. The clincher was to be cool and demonstrate your masculinity and self-reliance but also show your vulnerable side.

There was even a video titled “How to seduce an older woman” but he hadn’t found it to be particularly helpful.

“You are an attractive woman,” he said. “I suppose you has had lots of dates.”

“Oh, I’ve had a few,”

“How did they turn out?”

“Some of them were good. Some were terrible. Men can be awfully selfish, you know. A lot of men are just looking for a nurse. Or a purse.”

“I’ll bet you didn’t fall for that.”

“You bet your boots I didn’t. The last thing I want is someone to take care of.”

“Why should you? An attractive woman like you.” He had made the point. It was time to change the subject. “I’m impressed that you were able to unplug the toilet. Not many women could do that.”

“I’m handy, all right,” Maude said. “You have to be when you live alone.”

“I’ll bet you can do lots of things.” Sam said. He sneaked another peek at her breasts. He was convinced he was following the script perfectly. He had made it clear she was both attractive and capable.

“Tell me. What do you like to do? For fun?”

“I eat out a lot. Go to different restaurants. And I like to go to stage shows and concerts. My passion is Opera.

Sam groaned inwardly. He hated opera. “I love opera,” he said. “Do you have a favorite?”

She named several, some he had never heard of. “We should go sometime,” he said, wondering what excuse he could use if the situation actually occurred. The conversation was going good he thought. They had a common interest. Now he had to figure a way to appear masculine and vulnerable. She solved the problem for him.

“You know, it’s surprising how many younger men have asked me for dates,” she said.

“Why do you suppose that is?”

“I think they just want to have sex.”

He wasn’t sure how to react. “That’s shocking,” he said, finally. “What do you say to them?”

“Oh, I never put myself in that position. It’s pretty easy to tell what a guy is after from reading his profile.”

“What did you think when you read mine?”

“That you were a nice man who wanted to start meeting women after the death of his wife.”

“Did you think I wanted sex?”

“At your age? I should hope not.” She snorted. “I wasn’t wrong, was I?”

He didn’t answer. Things were definitely taking a turn for the worse.”

“That isn’t why you asked me out, is it? You didn’t expect a quickie?”

He shook his head and tried to look masculine. And vulnerable. He forced a weak smile.

He was pretty sure he wasn’t going to get lucky tonight.