Time Machines Made of Carrots

 

"What you working on there, Bradders?" said Paul, as his friend Bradley stuck a screwdriver in his Xbox.

 

"Oh nothing," said Bradley, as he stuck his tongue out in concentration and continued to prod and poke amongst the inner gubbins of his games machine.

 

"Come on, Bradders, don't keep me in suspense," said Paul; "what the fudge are you doing?"

 

"You wouldn't understand."

 

"Try me."

 

Bradley looked at Paul.

 

"Arright then..." started Bradley; "are you familiar with the article in the latest Journal of Temporal Studies on the infusion of dark matter into a vegetative substrate, resulting in a temporary localised flux in the spacetime continuum?"

 

"Erm... no."

 

"Never mind then," said Bradley, as he took a carrot out of his back pocket and shoved it into the Xbox.

 

 

 

"Hold tight!" said Bradley, as he passed Paul a controller, took hold of his own and pressed the big shiny button in the middle.

 

"Has that big shiny button always been there?" said Paul.

 

"Shut the f-!"

 

The entire known universe imploded, Bradley and Paul were sucked into a wormhole the colours of Microsoft Windows... then spat out again into Bradley's bedroom.

 

Bradley looked at his watch. "Needs more carrots," he said, then went down to the kitchen to get some.

 

 

 

"Look after those while I go for a poo," said Bradley, handing Paul a paper bag.

 

"Okay," said Paul.

 

Six-and-a-half minutes later, Bradley returned, to find Paul playing Halo and munching on a crunchy orange vegetable.

 

"Spit it out now!" said Bradley.

 

"Why?" said Paul.

 

"It's infused with dark matter, you wazzock! Do you want to cause all of your component molecules to spontaneously sublimate and reform into the antithesis of your physical self?!"

 

"Err... no?"

 

Paul did as he was bid... and bits of semi-digested vegetable matter caused mini-typhoons of molecular reconstruction before him.

 

"Oops," said Paul, as Bradley took the remaining carrots out of the bag and counted them.

 

"Idiot!" said Bradley. "Have you got any carrots?"

 

"Sorry, no..." said Paul.

 

"This might be enough," said Bradley; "unless..."

 

Bradley went back downstairs, returned and proudly brandished a parsnip as he said, "Open up the Xbox!"

 

 

 

The rest, as they say, was history. I mean literally. Bradley inserted the vegetables, pressed the big shiny button and he and Paul, in the manner of Bill and Ted (Google it if you are under thirty), were tirelessly transported through tens of truly terrific timezones.

 

They travelled with the Toltecs.

 

They paraded amongst the pyramids.

 

They ambled down the Amazon.

 

They sauntered through Sumeria.

 

They ogled at Old Assyria.

 

And they chatted about cheese in ancient China.

 

And that was just in the first ten minutes!

 

"Halo break?" said Bradley, as they brushed ancient detritus off their hoodies.

 

"You're on!" said Paul, brandishing his controller and preparing for battle.