It took a lot of planning to have my shed hidden from view. Years ago, when the kids were small, I'd take them out into the garden and they'd play as I planted. While I got an earful of cold water from a water pistol or a belt in the back with a plastic football, I sowed my plan...literally.
Gretta would open the kitchen window and cooee to attract the kid’s attention. I'd say, 'Listen your Mum's calling.' They'd run off shouting and laughing. She'd give them lemonade and cakes.
You've probably guessed that Gretta is a German name. We met when I was serving Queen and country in Solhagen, a small insignificant town next to a railway line leading straight to Russia. I was instantly attracted to her. She had shiny black hair, white teeth and breasts made to suckle babies. Her long legs disappeared into a skirt a few inches above her ankles. When we danced, she would lift her skirt a few more tantalising inches whilst smiling innocently at the same time.
'Gretta,' I'd say in a slow deliberate way, hoping she'd understand me, and nodding toward her legs. 'Tonight...ya?' Her smile would broaden and her teeth would sparkle in the semi-darkness of the dance hall. 'Danka,' she'd say. That's thank you in German. She thought I was asking her if she was enjoying the dance.
It was a difficult time for a young soldier. My hair was cut in a very short back and sides. I still had my youthful skin full of spots and blemishes that threatened to remain with me for the rest of my life, and some did. There I was trying to cajole this attractive girl into having sex with me but we didn't understand a word either of us were saying. The whole thing was made worse by the fact that before I'd flown to Europe I hadn't persuaded an English girl to let me either. So how on earth I expected to succeed with a foreigner I hadn't even considered. I soon realised how international the language of sex was a little later in the evening. We were standing outside in a dark alcove. I was convinced we were invisible to anyone passing by. I was twirling her silky hair between my fingers and admiring her gorgeous red lips. She sighed. It was a safe romantic sound. Some trigger that nature implants in the body told me that the time had come to make a move. I put an arm around her waist and pulled her gently but firmly closer. Her head tilted back and her eyes flickered and closed. Now kiss her I told myself...get on with it.
'Goodnacht Villy.' my best mate shouted in my ear as he pushed me in the back. I was completely unprepared and couldn't stop myself from squashing her against the wall. Our lips met with such force it was like two suction pads being pressed together. When we'd disentangled ourselves we were both laughing nervously. I thought, years later, that I should have used that opportunity to continue that first kiss. I needn't have worried of course because Gretta knew about girl-power thirty years before the spice girls were born. We got married in the German equivalent of a registry office two months later. It was only nine months and three hours before our first was born. Only people of a certain age will know how vital those three hours were...
By this time I'd begun to realise I was married to Gretta, her mother, three aunts and two grandmothers. It was then I had this vision of a shed at the bottom of a garden completely hidden by trees and bushes. A strong building with a concrete floor.
***
It was several years before the bushes had grown to a height of eight feet. The whole of the garden, and especially the bottom corner, was out of sight of anyone trying to peer in. It was time for stage two of my plan. I measured a three foot by six foot oblong behind the bushes. I laid the base about nine inches thick. A few days later I was able to complete the construction and stand back and admire it.
By this time Gretta had gone. All the neighbours came round and extended their sympathy. They'd heard the fights and arguments, Gretta's loud German voice could be heard all over the street. 'Thank you,' I'd say. 'But I'm glad she's gone...I'll probably sell up and move to a smaller place.' Everyone expressed their sadness that I might go. Especially the vamp from number 23 across the road. We were invited over every Christmas and she'd insist I drink three or four glasses of her homemade wine. When she thought I was tipsy and Gretta wasn't looking she'd stroke my leg. Funny thing is, since Gretta's been gone, I haven't seen hide nor hair of her.
***
I had lots of letters from Germany but I couldn't read them so they were thrown in the bin. The police came round one day, Interpol were looking for my wife they said. I told them, Gretta had just packed her bags one day while I was at work and left. I assumed she went back to her Mother's. They seemed very concerned and one asked if he could look round. 'Of course,' I said. 'Be my guest.'
***
It's been twelve months since they first knocked on the door. It was just after that my children moved to Germany. Both of them just sold up and went. I didn't really bother about that. They'd always been her kids anyway. No...what made me more angry than anything was when the police dug up the shed floor.
