50 Ways

Back off slowly
Sprint like hell
Fall into an open well
Moonwalk with a sexy grin
Ride off aboard a sleek gazelle
Yell: ‘Je ne t’aime pas, mademoiselle!’
Or glue him to a carousel
Or trap her in a tumble dryer
Or shrink him with a magic spell
Slink off into the rich damp mist
On a camping trip, in Brecon.
You want ways to leave your lover?
Must be fifty – well, I reckon.

By hovercraft,
By raft, by sled,
Use cheesewire
To remove your head
Turn gauzy and then disappear
Construct a zeppelin in your shed
Go ‘Piss off, you!’, pretend you’re dead,
Wake up, then loudly soil the bed
Wait up until your wedding day
Then send some homeless guy instead
Buy a ticket to Barbados
(or just Bognor if you’re thrifty)
Leaving lover ways, you say, mate?
Hmm… I’d estimate there’s fifty.

Evaporate,
Seduce her mum
Fellate a loaded Gatling gun
Create a giant catapult
And hurl yourself into the sun
Convince her to become a nun
Hand him a fizzing bomb then run
Suggest he stand beneath
A giant iron weight marked ’50 TON’
Transform into a talking car
Or marry your first cousin
You want lover leaving methods?
Well, there’s two, plus, oh, four dozen

Abandon her on lover’s lane
Escape like Ronny Biggs to Spain
Sit by a river in northwest France
Then push him till he goes in Seine
Leave the gas on, slit a vein,
Discharge a firework
Near your brain
By train, drain, crane,
By aeroplane,
Upon the back of Ian McShane
Drop her in those open loos
They have at Glastonbury
Total lover-leaving techniques?
I’d say fifty – yeah, there has to be.

Become a cruel dictator
Then get bumped off in a coup
Make a pass at her dour father
While he’s going for a poo
Just burst into the cubicle
Expose your anal rash
‘I’ve a burning ring of fire
If you’ve got the Johnny Cash!’
Invert your face
Drift into space
Reveal your high-tech mountain base
Then have your robot-ninja hordes
Exterminate the human race

Just don’t go: ‘Tim, I…
I just…
I think we need to chat.’
Fifty ways to leave your lover
But not one that hurts like that