i.
It was the end of the world
and everything went on fire.
People were crying
and dogs were burning
but I
stayed in bed
watching Bid-Up TV
and eating Flaming Hot
Monster Munch.
ii.
I was lost
in a dense jungle
of trees.
For weeks, I searched for you,
branches tearing at my flesh,
mosquitoes going up my nose.
At last,
hungry, thirsty, sweaty,
smelly and unshaven,
I came upon a clearing,
and there you were,
lit by sunbeams
that broke through the arboreal canopy,
having sex with David
from YO! Sushi.
iii.
We met
in a field of cornflowers.
I said,
'Have you taken good care
of my Buccaneer board game?'
And she said,
'Yes, I have.'
But when I got it home
the board
had a coffee ring on it
and she had lost
some of the gold doubloons.
iv.
I opened the Valentine's card
you sent me
with trembling hands,
triggering a mechanism
which fired hunting daggers
into my tear-stained face.
v.
I was woken
at ten past five in the morning
by a truck
dumping dog poo
onto my lovingly tended garden.
The dog poo
had dead babies in it.
I opened the window and cried out,
'I didn't order all this poo!'
but the driver
did not hear me
because he was listening to
Right Said Fred.
Later, I discovered
some of the babies
were still alive
and I raised them as my own.
The dog poo
made my garden so fertile
that every year yielded a bumper crop
of highly-sought after plums
and, using my adopted poo-children
as slave labour,
I quickly became a multi-millionaire.
Then I had lots of casual sex
and did not recognise my ex-girlfriend
when she served me
on the checkout
at Holland & Barrett.
