Have I seen the last of you
Or should I really bank on fate
To make you appear before me
Before it is too late.
For the ghosts are too many now,
Too many echoes of, words unsaid,
And this heavy soul, sweetheart,
Is simply tired of being afraid.
This time let me say it all.
This time let me make it up to you.
My vacuous pride won't come in way
Of the apologies that I owe you.
Alcohol is running in my veins,
Smoke has diffused all the way
Into this wretched heart of mine
Already in various stages of decay.
Come to me and stem this rot
This time we would set things right
Come my Light, bring me to life,
And rescue me from this long dark night.
Comments
Belle Green | June 6, 2009 - 17:00
Beautiful, dark and deep. I love this!
Dynamaso | June 7, 2009 - 00:54
Could be a song, this. I can almost hear the music. The only sticking point for me is the "'tis" in the first stanza as it throws out the rhythm of the rest. Might I suggest 'it is' instead?
rustyice | June 7, 2009 - 01:45
hey thanks for pointing out... i was feeling something wasnt sounding right.. wud make that change straightaway
Dynamaso | June 8, 2009 - 00:40
Oh, yes, I think it scans better than before. There are a few other points where the rhythm could be tighter too. For instance, in the third stanza, you could change
'Already at various stages of decay' to something like
'Already at various points of decay' or similar. The rhythm in this line breaks the rhythm of the rest of the stanza. But it is up to you, really. Mine is a single point of view.
rustyice | June 29, 2009 - 07:13
tnx dynamaso although i completely understand what you are saying.. i'd leave as it is ... don't know any reason why ... but just some irrational possessive feeling is forcing me not too... i like that stanza too much to tinker with it
rustyice | June 29, 2009 - 08:37
thank you belle