Charlotte Thorne

Well done on the rhyme and theme Scratch

Thanks Highhat.

This was so beautiful scratch and I loved the story
behind the poem.

I cannot pick out a favourite stanza, as I found the
whole poem captivating.

Thankyou for sharing.

Jenny.

Thank you Jennie your encouragement is always very welcome but especially so on this one ;)

Good stuff, scratch. It'd be better though if you did away with some of the archaisms, for example "did break" instead of "broke". Also, "a figure shadow near" and "truth to tell", which make their lines too long...

Quality writing. Liked it from begining to end. Merry Christmas Scratch.

Thank you tarquin 1.

Another well written piece Scratch. Liked the subject matter and rhyme. Enjoyed it a lot.

This tells a heart-breaking story, scratch...one which I can identify with, having visited our local village cemetry for the first time a few years back.

It is carefully written; the vocabulary painstakingly selected, and the last stanza, blew me away.

SSS;-)

Wonderful write coming from your pen Scratch
Merry Christmas and may the Dawn of the New Year
bear the fruit of your dreams.

And the same to you Deziner - a peaceful Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year to you and yours.

Nice and idyllic writing, I particularly liked

"At the end of an avenue of trees,
Was the place for the end of days."

Well done!!

Good, I have been waiting for your next post with great anticipation. What I like about you is that you are trying out different styles and you are not afraid to do so. This poem shows an appreciation of classic poetry (perhaps Victorian )and I very much look forward to the next piece you post. Once again, Happy Christmas Scratch

Thank you Lavadis, and that is genuine and heart felt I can assure you. I am so glad that you saw the retrospection in terms of the writing style in this one. Archi-M' commented on the 'archaisms' of the language that I decided on (and that's fair comment from you if you read this Archie). But I wanted to bring an element to the language that reflected (and hopefully enhanced) the content of the poem and to somehow take the reader to a different (early Victorian) era.

I also wanted to bring some grounding into the submission and show that the majority's (often superficial) joy during this season is mirrored by others suffering and grief. The apparition's pain at the loss of her child echoing through the ages was central to the theme. Anyway enough said.

I found real pleasure in writing this piece and I tried really hard to stay faithful to the rhyme and metre once I got it underway.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and your insight.

All my best wishes to you and yours for tomorrow.

And further comments are always welcome....

Hi Scratch, In general this is wonderful, but if I may be gently critical, two lines out of oh so many, failed to do it for me, 'walked' and 'chalk' missed a a beat (Hands that talked for example could work) and 'I know not what' to rhyme with 'Charlotte'. (I would perhaps leave off 'what', I know not Charlotte') But I loved it. Keep up the good work.
TMT
Kiss The Candle Goodnight

Thank you tmt. Your read is appreciated, very much. I will get to yours and return the favour. You have obviously read with care and attention and have provided good feedback. That is the whole point of this process help others and in doing so help yourself. Thanks for posting.

Not everyone can pull off such a rigid rhyme scheme, but this is superb Scratch! Hauntingly brilliant, well done :-)

Magic xxx

Merry Christmas and a hpy new year to you scratch. I apologies for delay in getting to this one. Well, you told me a couple of weeks ago you were going to write a rhymey one if it killed you. I'm hoping you're still alive at the time of me writing this. Anyway, on to the poem. I enjoyed the ride as well as the rhymes. The last stanza hit me right where you aimed. I enjoy a good arrow to the heart. Now then, as you know, I'm no expert on these matters, so maybe you can help me with the meter or metre. I'm looking for patterns but every stanza seems different. Am I just being too grumpy?

No OP, you are not being grumpy, you grumpy sod. I wish I could illuminate you about metro's pentathlons and the rest, unfortunately I dont't have a bloody clue. If it reads ok and sounds at least good the rhyme and metre is perfection.

All the best to you and yours OP, I hope that what you want happens.

brilliant read, loved it.

Thanks to you widdicomb81.

I like a flowing rhymey poem that bounces along merrily and then grabs you with a poignant finish. Well done.

Thanks for reading and commenting. Most of the stuff that I have posted (not rhyming) uses that technique at the end. I have developed it quite a lot, I want to give the literary equivalent of walking downstairs, thinking that you are at the bottom and then unexpectedly finding another step.

Hi Scratch. Thank you for your comments on my work. As you asked, I've had a look at this.

Confession time - I don't edit much these days - like you I often find myself 'out of sympathy' with the current trends in poetry and don't wish to impose my likes and dislikes on others.
Anyway, I'd just completed a long critique for you and said that I think this was eminently worthy of a bunch of cherries for several reasons and so I used my 'rights' and cherry-picked it while I was still in the 'comments box'.

Disaster! My long and (well-considered??) comments disappeared when I clicked on the cherry-picking thing.

Arrrrrrrgh! "Always save what you write" will be engraved on my tomb!

So, sorry about that.

What I do remember saying was that I felt that the poem improved greatly on subsequent readings. At first, I thought it was OK but ... A good poem (and I do mean that) has to be read several times so that the subtleties become more evident. That was certainly true of this piece and I now discern a strong feeling of Poe about it. Was that intended?

I did make a few criticisms about a few phrases which I thought were forced as you said yourself but I won't repeat them as I suffer from the same malady - if you know youself that little bits can be improved you certainly don't need me to tell you what you already know.

I did also talk about near-rhyme which I find a bit jarring when mixed with true-rhyme but that's just me - you can safely ignore it.

Finally, I will say that a few of the stanza endings are much stronger than others and work better to 'puncuate' the piece. The ones I like are 'And went about unseen' and 'Cradled in the ground'. I do like the way those 'round off' the verse. For that reason, perhaps taking out the 'please' in the last line might be stronger.

Helvigo Jenkins

Hi Helvigo. First off, a big thank you for looking and commenting on this submission.

It was my intention to echo and reflect Poe in this piece so of course for that to have occurred to you as you read it is immensely satisfying to say the least! I agree about your observation concerning the re-reading of poetry and how this process informs the reader's appreciation of poetic quality.

I was really pleased with the 'cradled in the ground' stanza but dissatisfied in equal measure with the 'spectre of a broken heart stanza'. So clearly there is still room for improving the piece. I take the positive from this of course - if a good poem can get even better then that's no bad thing.

I take you point about editing the last stanza and will get onto that straight away.

Finally, it is infuriating when you 'lose' work, the retyped version never seems quite as good! Thank you once again.

Hi Scratch,
I've been away.
Loved this,but it's all been said already.
Poe? He has a long way to go to beat this.
Maureen.

Maureen, your comment has lifted my spirit no end. THANKS for being so kind I have a big smile now /:)

I'm not really into poetry, but I liked this. There was a story element to it, which drew me in, (as well as plenty of evocative imagery) followed by the rhyming verse, which I thought flowed well.
Nice job.

Thanks for reading and for your comments alessandro, much appreciated.

I missed this one. Ghostly, suspenseful and ethereal, there's an old world, filmic quality to this that draws the reader in.

Cheers Blighters. I just got home from work to find your book delivered. Many thanks for taking the time and effort to pen the inscription. We can't wait to get into reading it and will let you know what we think. It looks great, the illustrations are exceptional and the narrative looks equally as good. Thanks for the prompt response.

Blimey scratch. We read this together and both loved the vivid scene that you paint. Story. Melancholy. Beautiful poetry. It has a flowing visual form. Brilliant.

Glad you got it OK, Scratch.
If your little man would like to review it on Amazon, tell him I'd be very grateful.
It's easy to do; tap the title in their search bar, go to reviews and add on.
I really appreciate you buying a copy. It's a tough old world out there!
Richard

I can assure you Blighters the pleasure is our :-)

Thank you for reading and commenting parsons

And of course the man will post a review. We'll do it this weekend.

Well Blighters we did it this weekend. Sorry for the delay. We have been back to this story over and over.

Anyone who comes across this comment it regards Blighter's fantastic children's story "Of Course You Can meet the Queen". Search amazon for it or track it through "Forum Topics" on this site. If you've got younger children (4-9 years) I can recommend it. I believe that some of the cover price goes to charity so it's a win win situation.

Lovely sensistive and atmospheric stuff Scratch, thanks for pointing me to this. Right up my street as you suggested!

Thanks for commenting Linda. I just thought given your posted preference that this one would strike a chord. I am so glad that you enjoyed it.

Very well done. I like the build up and the mood.

Thank you Arum.