Peregrine

A first visit for me to your tales scratch.
Enjoyed this one.
Need to drop back and catch up with the rest.
Regards

I enjoyed this, you seem to be playing around with different forms/styles of poetry which shows you are not afraid to fail every now and then - I don't think this does, a lot of it I like very much, but I don't think this works as well as some of your other poems (two pows out of five poems also sets quite a high standard which doesn't help).

What you are doing trying stuff out shows you have balls (metaphorical) and is what I aim to do this year if I can find some. Atb fatboy.

Thanks fatboy.

I also have non-metaphorical ones as well in-spite of my email address ;)

OOps - sorry mate, I read your address a while back and presumed you were a lady - see i've already dropped in a 'mate' and will soon start talking about gambling, the dogs, football etc. :-)

No problem fatboy. I don't happen to think it's relevant either way which is why I haven't clarified earlier; the email belongs to my 'other half'.

Regarding "Peregrine", It is an attempt at simple natural observations expressed lyrically. Although I recommend reading again the last two stanzas; there is something more to be found in them. On the other hand the first stanza needs a total revision/rewrite and I suspect this is the stanza that really doesn't 'do it' for you? Given my confidence in the overall worth of the piece I think that I will have another look at it. I would like to leave it alone as it stands for a while and get members opinion/comments before I undertake any revisions and in that way any that I do make will be better informed.

So come on you lovely ABCers I need you now more than ever.

Thanks again fatboy.

Happy New Year scratch,

I read this, as a king addressing his people, it
had that commanding feeling about it. I know I'm
miles off the mark, of what you were actually writing, it was just how I percieved it.

Great read though and you didn't use a lot of
commas or full stops, an achievement in its self.

Jenny.

Indrani Ananda

I like the first three stanzas of this poem best, Scratch. You can feel the rush of air as the powerful bird launches itself, literally lord of all it surveys. However, you only use one semicolon in the whole poem, is there a reason why some people don't use punctuation or capitals? It would be easier to get the sense and emphasis on certain words the first time it is read, surely. Am I missing something here?

Do you know what Jenny, the punctuation decisions were taken right at the last minute and it was a difficult decision as it goes against my natural inclination, I just thought that I'd give it a go.

It a fair observation that you have made regarding the majesty at play explicitly at the start and I hope that this initial atmosphere pervades throughout the piece. The final three stanzas operate somewhat metaphorically. I hope that the intentions aren't too obscure. I don't think they are but then again I wrote it so it isn't likely to be obscure to me!

Thanks very much for stopping by and commenting which as always has been a great pleasure.

Indrani, thanks for posting, I must have been replying to jenny when yours popped up. I have commented about the punctuation in my previous post so I think that that touches on your comment. I am still VERY unsure about the lack of punctuation. Your observation is very informative and will definitely be considered in any revision that I undertake.

Thank you for stopping by ;)

"Your roof is the sky places
And your mirror the earth
Patched green fringing the silver
Arrowing at the glistening tarn"

- love this stanza! And that last line is just superb - an image that will linger in my mind for a long time!

Magic xxx

Thank you Magic.

Hi Scratch,
Been reading this for a couple of days now.To try to settle it in my mind and see what it says to me.
I am struck by the timelessness of it,bird, sky,rivers,the earth,could be any time at all,in the last two thousand years or at least when they started to build cathedrals.Other than 'road' but they also had them then.
This is underlined by the gargoyles,ancient and tarn,
back to your retrospective theme?
I think the lack of punctuation helps the eye fly through the stanzas,speaks to me of movement.This is broken somewhat by the semi colon and comma near the end.
I very much like this poem,it has depth,and atmosphere:powerful.

Hi Scratch, Happy New Year.

Don,t change the first stanza, it really opens up the whole thing. The first 4 lines each starting with-Skylord,Prince,Sovereign,Emperor.

Giving us an image of something majestic, regal!

Enjoyed it a lot.

Wow gerardineanne, that's a really insightful comment. You have obviously read with care and contextualised the piece and I really appreciate this very much indeed. Your observation regarding the lack of punctuation and it's effect on the fluidity is well taken and has gone a long way to putting my mind at ease about it. Would you recommend going the whole hog and getting rid of the semi colon and comma in the final stanza?

This retrospective approach underpins a series of poetry that I have on the go at the moment and yes this is in that category ;)

You mentioned timelessness and yes, it was exactly this that I was trying to convey.

Many thanks for your time and efforts.

Jolono in view of the level of admiration I have for your creative talent I take the advice, the first stanza stays!

A Happy New Year to you too.

Hi Scratch,
I don't know is the honest answer as to the punctuation.
In one way it ends the poem as such a bird would land.
Like with a final spurt,a drawing back,a last swirl.
And for the reader an intake of breath?
But, listen I hesitate here as I am a new learner of this craft!
But,by God,isn't it all wonderful!!

Reading and writing!

Maureen

:-) you keep providing us with your gems Maureen, that's all that counts.

Hello scratch,

It took two readings for me to get it but then boy did I get it.

Liked it very much and like Jolono loved the first stanza.

I'm no poet but I do think the semi colon and comma bring the reader up short where before it just flowed.

If it is meant to represent the bird landing then there maybe some point to it but I still think it works better with no punctuation because then you feel like your flying with the bird. Just my impression for what it is worth.

Thanks denzella. I am now going the whole hog/bird/gargoyle. I will get rid of the final punctuation.

Thanks for your feedback, it's most appreciated.

Great imagery, but sadly missing punctuation, which hinders the meaning and makes it hard to read. I wish you'd take a stab at it!

J x

Jennifer, I have a completely punctuated version of this piece sitting here with me right now. If you read (as no doubt you have) the preceding few comments you will see the pains I have been at to take this non punctuation route. I have said as much earlier. I just thought that I would try this format and see reactions.

Your read and comment is very much appreciated.

I am minded to post the punctuated version just to see if it elicits a different response from members or would that be simply indulgent.... What do you think?

Haha, well, I am a stickler for punctuation - not sure if that's the English teacher talking or my Mother, who is currently engaged in proofreading my novel and telling me off when I get it wrong!

You see, I am one of those people who gets genuinely upset when shop signs and the like misuse the apostrophe, and have several friends who are just as passionate about the little dots and dashes! Perhaps post it here in a comment, so we can compare versions more easily!

J x

HaHa, Jennifer, I too share similar frustration about the same thing - although I guess that sound hypocritical considering "Peregrine"! I will post the punctuated poem in comments (I am on a small tablet at the moment so it will be a litle later when I can get on the laptop). In the mean time would you mind having a read of "Ode To My
Grandfather" as an example of a punctuated piece from me. If you can't spare the time I understand.

P.S. Great news re meeting you target for the book by the way.

Hi scratch.

Sorry I haven't looked earlier. There is something architecturally towering about the feel of this. I know what you mean about the first stanza though. I think it's the last line. The first three build and need a crescendo almost with the fourth. A bigger bang. Maybe the last word is too passive - gone over the hump. I love the roads scratches bound to heal - shortlived. Great imagery throughout. PT

Scratch, your nest of words are paintings where a labyrinth of ideas stroll and fling themselves into a world without limitations. Like a lake floating above a desert scene. Great work. Cheers, from Richard LP
PS. After careful re-reading several times, I would only suggest changing 'of' for 'in' on third line, first stanza. RLP

Thanks Richard, the alteration duly made.

Hey scatch, it seems I missed this one of yours...although quite how, I'm not sure.

You have such a distinctive style of writing which I find kind of captivating...if that's the right word.

Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm really sorry for not spotting it before.

Tina;-)

No probs' SSS, it's always a pleasure to get a comment from you whenever they come. Thanks for stopping by and even more so for the encouragement. :-))

A lot that I like in this one, mate. 'Skylord of cathedrals', 'dreaming of the leap' - just to choose the first and last phrases. Makes me want to take flight... or wish I could. The senses of both power and freedom are vividly conveyed. Good one.

Many thanks stantheman. Your reads and comments are always very much appreciated. Thanks for stopping by.

Interesting to read your thoughts on punctuation, to use or not, I think some poems need it and with some you can get away without any, but there is one thing bugging me about this poem and that is your use of capitals at the start of each line, to me, without punctuation, a capital suggests the start of a new phrase/sentence as in prose after a full stop. See.

So could it be;

Your roof is the sky places
and your mirror the earth
Patched green fringing the silver
arrowing at the glistening tarn

My favourite lines from this gorgeous poem, by the way.

Just my own thoughts on it, I am crap at punctuation and am always cocking it up, despite reading 'eats shoots and leaves' three times over!

Shoe. I can see now that you are obviously correct. I have edited to reflect your review and I have to say the whole thing sits much more comfortably with the changes made. Many thanks for your help and it is really appreciated.

Thank you.

P.S. In future I think I'll stick to punctuation it's far less fraught with difficulties! :-))