CC 55: E-mail from Emer

Hey Pascal,

I finally got around to writing this.  I know you must think I’m terrible for not just staying and talking to you more that day but honestly I couldn’t think straight.  The whole thing has been rough on me and I know it’s rough on you too but I swear it’s been building up inside me for a long time.  First of all, I don’t hate you.  You know I’ve always loved you.  And I still love you in lots of ways, but I don’t think in the way it should be.  In the way it was at the beginning.  We’ve had such a long go at it - since school really.  And I think maybe it’s part of the reason why things have led to this.  I think we got married too early.  Really, I think we did.  We should have given it a bit more time after I finished college before doing anything.  Maybe lived with each other for a while before it.  If you look back, everybody else at the time, they weren’t doing what we did.  The people we know.  They weren’t jumping right into marriage.  Many of them still aren’t married.  But they’re still together.  Have you noticed that?  Even with all the stuff, the fights, we have a number of friends who managed to get through that.  I’m not saying I’m against marriage or anything.  I just think we should have waited some time before jumping into it.  It created this whole bubble around us.  As soon as a little hole was punched in it, all the air went out.  Like we were building a castle that couldn’t be attacked, but we didn’t build it strong enough.  I’ll be honest and say when you lost the job things did change for the worse.  You became angrier.  I know you think you were always softer and it was me who was always too hard about things but you should think back on how you were back then.  You were very bitter about what happened to you, and you had a right to be, but all I saw you doing was going inside your own head to protest it.  And I wound up being the one who had to deal with all that anger you had.  It was kind of hard to get inside your head.  I felt you were ignoring me even though I was right there with you all the time.  That’s what made me get mad.  And I always felt you would take the high ground whenever I got that way.  I don’t think you are selfish, and I don’t think you were trying to be that way.  I think you just gave up on a lot of things, and it was only when I made a run at you that you came out of yourself.  And only then it was to make me feel bad about how I was reacting.  I hated that.  Do you remember when I threw stuff at you in the kitchen?  I never thought I could ever get that angry.  I’m still ashamed.  Do you remember how it started?  I just told you they were looking for forklift drivers in an e-mail I got……and you reacted in such a bad way to me.  First, you were really defensive as though I was having a go at you, and then you acted as if my suggestion was ridiculous – like being a forklift driver was beneath you.  You did it before.  All I wanted was for you to get a job and feel better.  I didn’t think you would take it on as a career.  What’s worse was that you couldn’t care less that I was trying for you too, that I was looking out for you when it came to jobs.  It got out of hand.  Remember you made such a big deal then about the knife.  I wasn’t proud of myself throwing all that cutlery around like a crazy woman in one of the soaps, but you made a further deal about it – like I’d picked up a knife and went at you with it like a psycho.  I think you did turn me into a bit of a psycho at that point.  And then of course that night at McManus’s when we fought with the lads outside.  What became of me?  That’s all I could think about.  All that night, in the police station, at home (I didn’t sleep that night), I was thinking I should blame you.  I realised I was the one at fault, but I couldn’t remove you from the picture.  The bigger picture.  Anyway, enough.  I don’t want to go over these things that are long done in the past.  They should be buried now.  I don’t know what will happen.  I just know that I need to get away now.  Maybe we can talk about these things in the future.  I’m not sure how things will play out.  I want you to know that you are still very dear to me and I want you to be happy whatever happens.  This is hard for both of us, I know.      

Emer