Trying To Remember

Looking back I’m surprised of what I remember. I remember the first time I saw my younger brother 12 years ago, I remember my father telling me that my parents had broken up 10 years ago. Possibly too of the most extreme emotions I have felt throughout this short life on mine. Yet these were merely fixed moments of happiness as the awe fades and the emotional wounds heal. Throughout my life there have only been certain periods of time where I can say “I was happy no matter what.” Yet that I still remember they existed. I cannot remember them, how that happiness felt. All that is left are snap shots. The look on your face of complete trust. That smile that let me know, that even for a time. You did love me.

Yet these memories are gone, as time goes on they turn to dust and I begin to forget the good times, and all that is left is the feeling of regret, anguish,. Anger. Everything I did not want to feel. How could these memories stay of the pain in my life but not of the pleasure.

I ask the question if this is a test. Yet I know that no answer will come. I have many years to live and I know that memories of happiness will come and go. Yet I will never forget this pain. That is the true punishment of life. As the world around you begins to die, you realise that death isn’t the punishment. Living in it’s aftermath is what really breaks us.